Editor’s note: the following is intended to be satirical. The writer, the editors and the College do not encourage underage drinking or the abuse of alcohol.
As anyone associated with this college knows, Gustavus is renowned for its many unique campus events, including the Nobel Conference, Christmas in Christ Chapel and Building Bridges, to name a few. These annually held functions celebrate our school’s rich culture of science, fine arts and social justice. However, this is just a small slice of the Gustavus experience, since there’s one upcoming event that truly captures the college spirit more than any other. This special day encourages competition, entertainment, romance and unity. I’m, of course, referring to none other than Case Day.
The objective of Case Day is self-explanatory: to drink a case of beer in one day, or in scientific terms, to consume 24 cans of beer within a duration of 24 hours. Thus the day proceeds with many activities associated with this task, including beer pong and movie-related drinking games. Although the means and time span of said consumption vary from individual to individual, the pride gained from conquering a case is universal. No one knows exactly how or when Case Day originated but rumor has it that Swedish King Gustav II Adolf, the namesake of our college, once downed an entire keg of Swedish beer at a celebration of his conquest of Prussia. That account may be fictional, but needless to say, the love of dangerous alcohol imbibing continues to this day.
As of now, the campus administration frowns upon Case Day. And by “frown upon” I mean “look the other way, shove cotton in their ears while twiddling their thumbs profusely for 24 hours.” Granted, there is increased security presence—though the focus is more on resuscitation than prevention. The Gustavus Admissions Office is the only department to take a passive-aggressive stand against Case Day by confiscating any print evidence of its existence (i.e. the newspaper you’re holding). I can see why the campus authorities would disapprove a day that promotes underage drinking, but at the same time I think they grossly misunderstand the value and potential of excessive alcohol usage.
You see, Case Day is not just an excuse to get completely stone cold drunk. It’s a day of planning, dedication, perseverance and community. First, you need the skill of acquiring a case of beer —a simple task for those of legal age, yet a challenging feat that requires hours of networking for anyone under 21. Next, you have to arrange the venue for beer consumption. The options range from the solitary comfort of your dorm room, which is free of pressure and distraction, to a raucous off-campus house with seemingly unending supplies of booze and mayhem. The third step necessitates your strategy for the rate of beer-ingesting. Will you start on the stroke of midnight, downing one Bud-Light an hour, or condense the booze fest to the common waking hours? Finally, you need the courage to execute the mass intake of liquid courage.
Thus, the process of consuming a case demonstrates the capacity of a highly developed collegiate mind. Our administrators should recognize that unabashed inebriation is only the product of a cultivated intelligence. As patrons of the arts, we Gusties have absorbed the values of distinguished films such as Animal House or Revenge of the Nerds. After all, we are simply exploring various avenues of self-expression, in whatever state of consciousness that may be.
Consequently, I move that we expand Case Day into something greater, perhaps an official campus-sponsored event. Case Day has been a tradition at Gustavus for decades now, so I figure it’s about time that the College administration embraces it. Instead of spending money on random flat screen TVs around campus, they can supply cases of beer to all who participate. And Case Day shouldn’t be limited just to students, but rather faculty and townspeople can be invited too. Imagine getting wasted with your professors and hearing all the hilarious anecdotes they’re afraid to tell in class. Since Gustavus prides itself on promoting diversity, I think this would be perfect way to bring people of all backgrounds together.
Sure, consuming a case of beer in one day can lead to alcohol poisoning, and imbibing large amounts of alcohol on a regular basis can have long-term consequences, but college is the perfect time to learn from these mistakes. I mean, you only live once, right? … Right?