The Gustavian Weekly

The Fourth Crown Issue 15 | The Gustavian Weekly

By The Fourth Crown | February 20, 2015 | Calendar


The content of this page as satirical in nature and in no way reflects the views of The Gustavian Weekly, Gustavus ,or its faculty, students, or administrators. The Fourth Crown is not intended for readers under the age of 18

Campus Safety gears up to dish out record number of Violations this holiday season

SAINT PETER– One of Gustavus’ longest traditions is set to take place on Saturday, Feb. 21 beginning at 12:00 a.m. Participants are expected to finish an entire case of beer in 24 hours, ideally without passing out or throwing up. This isn’t just a holiday for Gusties, but for Campus Safety, too.

Every year, Campus Safety competes to see who can give out the most violations in the 24 hours that Case Day runs.

“My record is 32 and I’m hoping to beat that this year,” commented Campus Safety Officer Vic Pascutti. “Nothing makes my day more than nailing a student with a $300 fine.”

Case Day is infamous for the belligerence and inappropriate drinking that it promotes, but Gustavus Campus Safety has seen it all. A seasoned Case Day officer elaborates on his favorite memory, “Five years ago, we had to call the fire department because three seniors climbed on top of Christ Chapel.”

Campus Safety officers participate in several days of training to deal with the notoriously irresponsible Gusties. Preparation includes sitting in a room of 20 five-year olds while Kendrick Lamar blasts over the speakers and the smell of booze is funneled in through the air vents.

Campus Safety also works in conjunction with the Saint Peter Police, Residential Life and Saint Peter Hospital to make the most of this sacred day.

“The police officers get really into it,” said Pascutti.“ I once saw an officer run down like four or five hockey punks and slap them with minors. What a display of the law. It truly is an honor working side by side with these modern day heroes.”

Pre-law student giddy for “Case” Day

SAINT PETER– After waiting for several months, First-year history major, with an emphasis on pre-law, Jackie Reynolds is “stoked” to celebrate Case Day with her fellow classmates. According to reports, Reynolds has been voicing her excitement about the event to her friends in the Caf—completely unaware that Case Day has little to do with law outside of underage students breaking it.

“I can’t wait to have a meaningful discourse on a few of our favorite cases from American history,” said Reynolds, who believes that the entire campus will be engaging in a celebration of landmark cases throughout the day. “I really appreciate Gustavus for hosting and promoting such a smart, healthy event. They even sell T-Shirts! I got extras for my parents and little sister.”

When asked what kind of case she would get for Case Day, Reynolds responded, “Oh there are so many to choose from. Plessy vs. Ferguson is a classic, but I think Erin Brockovich’s case against Pacific Gas and Electric is a sterling example of modern …. [20 minutes of incoherent law rambling]… So, I’ll probably go with that one.”

“This is getting out of hand,” said First- Year Ashlee Mork. “All Jackie has been talking about for the whole month is how excited she is for her first Case Day. I’ve watched her tell a couple of her professors how she ‘can’t wait to dive into it headfirst’.” Sources report that Mork has withheld the real information on Case Day from Reynolds on the grounds that, “it is kind of funny to watch her indirectly tell everyone that she is going to drink 24 cans of cheap beer. She weighs 98 pounds.”

A few of Reynolds’ professors have been taken aback by the seemingly innocent girl’s drinking habits. “Holy s***, that girl doesn’t care what I think about her at all,” said History of Law Professor Michael Finch. “Most people try and hide their vices from those in authority postitions, but this girl is just on a whole different level. She told me everything, and she is down right proud and excited to drink this much. She even asked me if she would see me around on Case Day. How do I even take that? Was she hitting on me?”

At the time of publishing, Reynolds is still declaring her excitement for the unofficial campus event, and has even begun tabling outside the Caf to help spread awareness. “I just want to get everyone as turnt up as I am about the big day,” said Reynolds.

Check out the Case Day Facts for more info.

Case Day Facts

  • Out of the 48 toilets in Co-ed, only three will survive Case Day.
  • Day-to-Day activities largely won’t change in Prairie View.
  • A case is roughly the equivalent of .25 shots of alcohol. AKA: Very Dangerous… but manageable under the right circumstances.
  • Saint Peter Police will undoubtedly exceed any sort of quota system they have in place to judge their effectiveness on dealing with underage drinking.
  • The Campus Self Loathing (CSL) index will reach record heights.
  • That cute girl from Gen. Psych. won’t be impressed by your drinking.
  • Family Fresh Market Pharmacy annually double their inventory of Plan B for this sacred occurrence.
  • A rambunctious pack of wild cats will overrun the Rundstrom Chapel, and possibly seek to start a new campus faith organization.
  • The Minnesota River Valley will flood with booze.
  • The Campus custodial staff is currently threatening going on strike should they have to clean up one more spot of vom.
  • Day-to-Day activities largely won’t change in Complex.  People may have one or two more beers, but besides that it should be business as usual.
  • The administration will be handing out rubber rain boots in Lund from 10 a.m. to noon. These will be used to wade through the pools of alcohol and human excretion certain to appear across campus.
  • Kid Rock and Lil John will appear at some point and scream incoherent slurs at you.

-The Fourth Crown