The Gustavian Weekly

The FOURTH CROWN: Issue 11 | The Gustavian Weekly

By The Fourth Crown | November 21, 2014 | Calendar

SnapCash, the answer to all your monitary needs.

SnapCash, the answer to all your monitary needs.

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The content of this page as satirical in nature and in no way reflects the views of The Gustavian Weekly, Gustavus ,or its faculty, students, or administrators. The Fourth Crown is not intended for readers under the age of 18

 

 

Optimistic freshman sees only positives coming out of SnapCash

Mankato, MN — Following SnapChat’s recent announcement that it will now be able to host financial transactions through its App, Minnesota State freshman Brad Cooper believed that only positive things could come from this new feature, despite a largely negative public response.

  The 18 year-old economics major praised the App’s simplicity and foolproof design.“I don’t know it just seems like nothing can go wrong with this new feature. What if I need to spot a friend some cash at B-Dubs? Bam! Snapcash. It just seems like a no-brainer. With Snapchat being such a highly esteemed company as it is, I see no safer way to deal with my money,” said Cooper.

  A large amount of outcry over the new feature comes from the possibility of making pornographic and drug related deals easier for the App’s young demographic. Cooper discredits these possibilities saying that, “I just don’t think anyone would do such an awful thing. I like to think that my generation has shown that it can be completely trusted with the technology we wield. We have already proven this with such things like picture messaging, Reddit, Yik Yak and Chatroulette. Nothing has gone wrong there!”

When asked what he thought of criminal cases involving minors sending lewd photographs to each other via Snapchat, Cooper responded, “Oh, come on! You don’t believe that do you? That’s just the media trying to paint our generation in a bad light, because they never got to use such cool gadgets when they were younger. No one ever sends naked pictures over SnapChat, just like no one would ever pay for illegal products over SnapChat. That’s like someone saying ‘the internet could be used to bully someone or tell lies’. It’s all a bunch of bologna.”

  Snapchat representative Amelia Baker echoes Cooper’s remarks. “Our main demographic of individuals ages 14-25 have completely proven their ability to be trustworthy with simple technology. They have also, time and time again, proven that they are extremely capable financially. This demographic also possesses a large amount of excess spending money. Our analysts have not found any indication that this demographic would misuse the feature whatsoever, and will responsibly make choices with their vast amount of finances.”

Naked sculpture blames cold weather

SAINT PETER—After weeks of enduring the laughter and embarrassment of the masses, the nude man throwing an infant of the Granlund sculpture near the Edgar M. Carlson Administration Building has finally spoken out, blaming the “cold weather for…well, you know.”

    “You try standing out here twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There’s going to be some shrinkage, okay?” said the man committing filicide in the middle of campus.

   The man has called the winter months the darkest times in his life, but it is unclear if this is because the ridicule from the student body or because of the winter solstice.

     The man’s misfortune has been the butt of many jokes. Freshman Connor Anderson has stated that he points out the statue as often as possible. “I always joke about that when I am with people. I see that thing at least two or three times a day, it kind of bothers me. I actually think about it a lot during my classes. Why is it so small? Does it mean something?” said Anderson.

    The sculpture remains adamant that the weather is the only factor, despite the publics best guesses. “Look, guys, it really is just the weather, I’m not joking,” it said. “I don’t know what else I can say. I would just appreciate it if art classes stopped coming out to study me, trying to figure out if my “size” means anything about the male condition.”

    “What could the artist have been saying with the sculpture’s endowment?” asked art professor Joyce Russell. “I have had a few classes examine the piece closely, and all it has brought to us is frustration. How could the artist not have used his tool more effectively, in order to make the sculpture’s tool a more comfortable size? It is really quite a shame.”

  The statue has tried to keep his pride in these trying times. “It’s not easy being me, people. I constantly have to be stuck in this moment where I am killing my own child. How do you think I feel about that? The answer is ‘shitty’. I feel shitty. But, you know what? I at least can take comfort in my rock hard body. So what if one part of me is a little small because of the cold? I still am proud of how I am put together…There is nothing wrong with me, right?” he said.

  The administration has been unable to guess as to what is causing the statue’s issue. “Maybe it actually is weather related,” said Vice President of Financial Affairs Brenda Coynes. “Or maybe it is the artist’s commentary on the shrinking importance of masculinity in today’s changing socio-economic landscape. Or, perhaps, it could just be a comment about the school’s relatively small endowment. Maybe the statue’s endowment is reflective of the school’s,” said Coynes.

-The Fourth Crown