The Gustavian Weekly

The FOURTH CROWN: Issue 9 | The Gustavian Weekly

By The Fourth Crown | November 7, 2014 | Calendar

Due to Yik Yak’s horrifying effects on student’s grades, professors have introduced the letter grade “f-”.

Due to Yik Yak’s horrifying effects on student’s grades, professors have introduced the letter grade “f-”.

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The content of this page as satirical in nature and in no way reflects the views of The Gustavian Weekly, Gustavus ,or its faculty, students, or administrators. The Fourth Crown is not intended for readers under the age of 18

 

Student body dismayed Yik Yak anonymity does not apply to exams and papers

SAINT PETERWith the combined academic pressures of midterm grade postings and the approaching course withdrawal deadline, many students are dismayed to learn that the anonymity guaranteed by the popular phone application Yik Yak does not apply to academics.

   Yik Yak, a platform for the anonymous posting and voting of 200-character text posts, has allowed students to post their thoughts without worrying about peripheral issues such as accountability, plagiarism, common sense, or basic decency. However, these comfortable barriers cease to exist beyond the application, a fact which several hundred students have failed to realized.

Junior Sean Joseph was one of the students particularly hurt by the discrepancy between “Yakarma,” the application’s seemingly arbitrary scoring system for tracking “Yak” performance, and the “Grade Point Average” (GPA), the college’s seemingly arbitrary scoring system for tracking academic performance.

Joseph, who frequently copy and pastes tweets from popular comedic Twitter accounts to tremendous Yakarma, is now facing academic probation for copying and pasting his midterm paper for his Introduction to Western Philosophy from a popular essay on Western philosophy.

Professor of Chemistry Kelly Brando reported that many students in her Principles of  Chemistry course did not make any attempt to fill out their own copy of the previous unit exam.

“Many of the less apt students would simply wait until one of their peers turned in their exams. They would then walk to the front of the room, grab a classmate’s exam, place it back on the top of the pile, and walk out.”

Brando claims these students assumed that this act would contribute to what students have mistakenly identified as their “GPAkarma.” When asked if the influences of Yik Yak on academic performance are particularly pressing on any student subgroup, Brando asserted that only students below the 2.5 GPA cutoff are reeling from the misunderstanding. Brando explained, “Nobody with a shred of intelligence and free thought actually uses Yik Yak on this campus anyways.”

Student collects Coed section’s weekend recyclables and pays tuition

Saint Peter— Following a four-night Halloween weekend party bender, First-Year Sarah Gatt collected the entirety of her Norelius Hall section’s recyclables and turned them into a Mankato redemption center. Gatt reports that this act alone earned her $38,325.68, all of which she used to pay one full academic year’s tuition in advance.

Gatt explained the origins of her personal scholarship in her waking up to a “completely trashed” 3C section on Sunday morning.

“Megan in 204 usually throws some pretty wild pregame parties in her room, so I figured there would be a few bottles around,” continued  Gatt.

In addition to the usual mix of vomit-saturated pizza boxes and pizza-saturated vomit stains, Gatt described a particularly “insane stack of cans.”

“About 2 hours into cleaning, I remembered this awesome Life Hacks tweet that recommended redeeming empty alcohol containers to earn a few extra bucks. So after Chapel  I just tossed 18 bags of recyclables in my ‘97 Camry and took off towards Mankato.”

Show Us Your Cans Redemption Center had less than positive reviews about Gatt’s donation.

“You know how much money we keep around this place? 87 dollars. We keep 87 dollars around here,” said Manager Beth Lumpkin. “People don’t come to these places to drop off enough cans to buy a freaking Chrysler Town & Country. People come here to donate like five dollars worth of cans so they can afford an extra gallon of gas or a rack of Hamm’s.”

Unbeknownst to Gatt, it actually takes awhile for the money to come into the redemption center. Lumpkin described the process as “****ing arduous.” Gatt did express how sorry she was after a few hours in the redemption center.

“Around 7  or so I realized that earning enough money to pay my tuition is moderately difficult, even if it’s not me doing the work. I noticed that I probably kept them passed their Sunday closing time, so I kinda apologized a little,” said Gatt.

“Apologized a little? She told us that ‘it was unfortunate things took this long’. What kind of apology is that?” said Lumpkin. “I’m not even sure how she got all the cans here in one trip. I had to send Harry to the recycling plant eight times to drop off all the cans. He got in a car wreck on his fourth trip. He broke his collarbone, but she still made him go four more times.

Then he finally had to go to the bank and drop off a form from the plant that proved that she returned that many cans. Harry didn’t get to the hospital until his collarbone had been broken for 7 hours.”

“Those people were a little cranky,” admitted Gatt. “But, I’m sure at the end of the day they were proud to help contribute to the financial security of a normal, upper middle class girl like me.”

Gustavus administration recently praised the move, calling it “clever, ingenious and sassy” in a recent press release. They have also announced plans to advertise recycling  Keystone Light and Red Dog on campus, so more students can take advantage of Gatt’s idea. “Look, the more crappy beer these kids drink and recycle, the more money we’re gonna haul in,” said Head of Marketing Tim Lincoln. “Not to mention we might be able to give our staff bigger bonuses… Or maybe fire a couple less profs. Who knows.”

-The Fourth Crown