The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but they are actually the opinons of an old hermit who lives up yonder past the river and the woods. He likes to stay in the know with Gustie news.
Friday, May 3
Books in Bloom: Folke Bernadotte Memorial Library 3:30 p.m.
But aren’t books just dead plants?
Holi Festival: Shakespeare Pit 4 p.m.
Not to be confused with the Holly Festival; that annoying girl on your floor’s birthday party she won’t let you forget about.
Celebration of Creative Inquiry: Campus Center Banquet Rooms 5 p.m.
A science fair where the humanities kids finally get to play!
Weekend Movie: Identity Thief: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
This movie concept feels ten years old.
Saturday, May 4
Take the Hill Triathlon: Lund Center 8 a.m.
Getting up by 8 on a Saturday is the hardest thing about the triathlon.
Honors Day Convocation Ceremony: Christ Chapel 10:30 a.m.
They really ought to put off honoring students until they know if they give a s*** about the semester anymore.
Weekend Movie: Identity Thief: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
This is the movie where Melissa McCarthy wins the Oscar.
Sunday, May 5
Weekend Movie: Identity Thief: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
Jason Bateman just needed a paycheck until Arrested Development comes back.
Night of Distinction: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
I hope there are name tags to distinguish at the Night of Distinction.
Tuesday, May 7
Taming Online Dictionaries and Translators: Culpeper Language Center 6 p.m.
Ah yes, domesticating the wild, wild internet.
Wednesday, May 8
Senior Class Wine Tasting: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
They’ve got the Merlot Pong table ready.
Out of Scandinavia Lecture, Johanna Sinisalo: ”Finding Fresh Perspectives – The Breakthrough of Non- Realistic Genres in Finnish Contemporary Fiction”: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
And the longest Calendar entry of the year goes to …
Thursday, May 9
New Faculty Orientation Session: St. Peter Room 12:30 p.m.
Seriously, how long does it take to train them?
Selling Your Language Skills: Culpeper Language Center 3 p.m.
Oh, Culpeper, you make it sound so wrong.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: I guess this weather beats a tornado.
Taurus: Kim and Kanye’s kid is going to be as shy as his parents are.
Gemini: At what point does Nic Cage start his own cage fighting league?
Cancer: Better yet, would a Nic Cage cage fighting league be surprising?
Leo: Quizno’s is like the old boxer who just doesn’t know when to hang up the gloves.
Virgo: Looking to the Big Concert, let’s start a Gavin DeGraw 2014 campaign.
Libra: But we’d probably get Jason Derulo.
Scorpio: Michael Bay recently apologized for Armageddon. If only he would apologize for his very existence.
Sagittarius: The Daytime Emmys are like television’s participation medals.
Capricorn: Gusties this semester have gone the way of the library book … checked out.
Aquarius: Just go ahead and get that Kermit the Frog tramp stamp.
Pisces: I’m never more aware while stuffing my face with donut holes than Diabetes Awareness Week.