The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the instructions to a t-shirt cannon. Not necessarily good instructions, but instructions nonetheless.

Friday, Mar. 15

Faculty Meeting: Alumni Hall 2:30 p.m.

Hopefully they have a sign that says, “No Kidz Aloud.”

Gustie Cup: Basketball and Dunk Contest (Space Jam Edition): Lund Center Forum 4:30 p.m.

All of my Space Jam jokes made a difference!

Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

I’m kind of afraid to make a joke about this movie. Tolkien fans don’t f@#$ around.

Saturday, Mar. 16

Vagina Monologues: Alumni Hall 6 p.m.

Wait, vaginas can talk? Oh, how sex ed failed me . . .

Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

Most moviegoers will go see this film out of hobbit.

Sunday, Mar. 17

Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

I think we all feel a little bit like Gollum whenever the Caf has Caesar salads.

Vagina Monologues: Alumni Hall 3 p.m.

After fingering through the program, it’ll be pretty good.

Monday, Mar. 18

Hispanic Film Festival Screening of Undertow: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.

Not to be confused with the wart documentary Undertoe.

Tuesday, Mar. 19

Peace Studies Award Celebration: The Board Room 5 p.m.

Surprisingly enough, most get really violent if they don’t win an award.

Wednesday, Mar. 20

Lunch and Learn with Turning Technologies: St. Peter Room 11:30 a.m.

This week features the steering wheel!

Public Speaking Preparation: Culpeper Language Center 9 p.m.

Next week in the “Conquering Fears Lecture Series” will be “Playing with Spiders.”

Thursday, Mar. 21

Poetry Readings by Patricia Kirkpatrick and Tim Nolan: Interpretive Center 7 p.m.

The alternate title for this event is “Battle of the Bards.”

Lecture by Rikk Kvitek, Ph.D.: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.

Soooooo many Ks.

Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes

Aries: Did Charlie Sheen die? It’s just that we haven’t heard anything batsh** crazy for a while now.

Taurus: It took the cardinals less time to pick the pope than it does for me to figure out what I’m going to have at the Caf.

Gemini: Allowing knives to be on planes makes total sense. Those peanut packages are so hard to open.

Cancer: Why hasn’t an NFL team offered me a contract yet? 🙁

Leo: Journalism died a little bit with that emoticon in the last one.

Virgo: The most maddening part of March Madness is that just as much of it takes place in April.

Libra: Even though he is the pope, Lionel Messi is still the most famous Argentinian.

Scorpio: No“ YogaWar” jokes this week. Even the bloodiest wars need time off.

Sagittarius: St. Patrick’s Day is incredible in its ability to get people to go apesh** celebrating a culture they have no ties to.

Capricorn: Iran is suing the makers of Argo. Looks like somebody wanted Silver Linings Playbook to win.

Aquarius: The new pope is so young this time! He’s only 76!

Pisces: We are nothing but puppets for Res Life to control with the ever- changing Room Draw.