The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but they actually kind of are. I mean, they hired me, a known wildcard, in the first place.

Friday, Nov. 16

Exemplary Leadership – Privilege in Leadership: Beck 119 2:30 p.m.

I’m guessing Kim Jong Il never went to this.

The 2012 Theatre Gallery The Edge of Our Bodies & At Risk: The Black Box Theatre 7-10 p.m.

Usually when looking at the edge of someone’s body, you are taking a big risk.

Weekend Movie: The Campaign: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.

Will Ferrell ought to win a lifetime achievement award for playing the same character in all of his movies.

Saturday, Nov. 17

The Gustavus Wind Orchestra & Vasa Wind Orchestra Fall Concert: Bjorling Recital Hall 1:30 p.m.

They are far too long-winded for me to listen to them.

Weekend Movie: The Campaign: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.

Ever since the election Mitt Romney can’t get through this movie without hysterically sobbing.

Sunday, Nov. 18

Weekend Movie: The Campaign: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

C’mon, CAB, Weekly readers are tired of reading election jokes.

The Fall Woodwind Chamber Concert: Bjorling Recital Hall 7:30 p.m.

This concert will be done bassooner or later.

Monday, Nov. 19

Dishin’ with the Deans: Olin 319 9 a.m.

Dean of Sciences and Education Darrin Good is a bearcat if he doesn’t get to carve the turkey.

Tuesday, Nov. 20

Phillips Scholarship Meeting: Diversity Center 5:30 p.m.

After succumbing to Give to Gustavus Day, the naïve students who pitched all of their pennies outside the Caf need to go to this.

Wednesday, Nov. 21

Thanksgiving Recess: Residence Halls close at 9:00 a.m.

If you don’t leave by then, the CFs will have a nice dinner with you and then systematically deport you from your current residence.

Prepare Bible Study: The Dive 7:30 p.m.

The hardest part of reading the Bible is trying to figure out why Psalms has a “P.”

Thursday, Nov. 22

Fika!: Swedish House 9:00 p.m.

The Swedish don’t give a f@#$ about Thanksgiving.

Feit-sty Horoscope

Aries: Be thankful you aren’t in Turkey now. Every year around this time they are attacked by confused Americans.

Taurus: Your plan to get rich by writing Fifty Shades of the Hunger Games and the Sorcerer’s Stone just might work.

Gemini: Thanksgiving break is really an evil scheme drafted by diabolical professors trying to weaken their students’already waning motivation.

Cancer: The elections might be done, but every time I walk into the Campus Center, I still hear the echoes of“Vote No, Vote No, Vote No, Vote No. . . “

Leo: Ohio waits again in saddness as no one gives a s@#$ about them anymore.

Virgo: Everyone just seems too nervous to tell the Music Department that Christmas in Christ Chapel is actually closer to Thanksgiving.

Libra: Before buying my car, I read in a textbook that“Mercury is immortal.” My Sable, however, has an oil leak.

Scorpio: Why do the careers of the winners of American Idol always stay idle?

Sagittarius: Someone needs to tell polar bears about not wearing white after Labor Day.

Capricorn: Your piety for pie will be your downfall this week.

Aquarius: It’s okay to quit being a vegetarian when you go home. Everyone knows you fake it to impress your ultra-hipster friends.

Pisces: Some WNBA player must be tall enough to break the glass ceiling just by standing, right?