* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The Gustavian Weekly, but are in fact a list of all the things you really ought to do in your four years at Gustavus. Like build a fort in the Arb, sacrifice a goat, open a bazaar in the campus center and trick-or-treat at Ohle’s.
Friday, Sept. 7
Sophomore Socials: Johns Family Courtyard 3:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m.
You gotta mingle to get the Pringle.
Community Service Fair: Campus Center Upper Level 5:00 p.m.
Not as fun as it sounds. You pick up trash in between Ferris wheel rides.
WITNESSES+S’more of Jesus Bonfire: WITNESSES: Chapel, 7:00 p.m. Bonfire: Complex Fire Pit, 8:30 p.m.
S’more of Jesus? He must have been sneaking a few extra marshmallows when no one was looking.
Theatre Auditions: Anderson Theatre 5:30 p.m.
Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Your shirt will get all bloody, and you have to do your own laundry now.
Weekend Movie: Cabin in the Woods: Linnaeus Arboretum 8:00 p.m.
Cabin in the Woods by a cabin in the woods?! Next week they plan on showing Twister by that tornado sculpture.
Saturday, Sept. 8
Dueling Pianos: Alumni Hall 7:00 p.m.
Aaron Burr was killer on the electric piano.
Weekend Movie: Cabin in the Woods: Wallenberg Auditorium 8:00 p.m.
I’m glad that it will be back in Wallenberg. I was getting a sinking feeling about where they were going to show Titanic.
Sunday, Sept. 9
Weekend Movie: Cabin in the Woods: Wallenberg Auditorium 2:00 p.m.
Nothing gets me quite as excited as a good film about sound home architecture.
Tuesday, Sept. 11
Fall Internship Registration Deadline 2012: Center for Servant Leadership
It’s called a deadline because that’s how you’ll feel after not getting paid.
Involvement Fair: Eckman Mall 4:00 p.m.
It seems like a big party when you are there, but then the unwanted e-mail hangover hits. And it hits hard.
Lecture and book signing with author Wes Moore: Christ Chapel 7:00 p.m.
Now which Wes Moore is this? The other one? I can’t handle more Moore.
Thursday, Sept. 13
Teachers Talking: President’s Dining Room 11:30 a.m.
To all returning students out there, this is all the first week of class really is.
Aries: Yes, Sam-I-Am is dead. Pork products are not meant to be consumed when they are green. Everyone knows that.
Taurus: Cap’n Crunch has got to be pissed he hasn’t moved up in the Navy after all these years.
Gemini: Behave out there. Mike English is coming for you on his Segway trike fueled by a moustache and a thirst for justice.
Cancer: Punters are the Ron Pauls of professional football.
Leo: You are probably already sick of caf food.
Virgo: My vote in November will go to the party with the best hors d’oeuvres.
Libra: Hunt’s is the unloved problem child of the ketchup industry.
Scorpio: Does conserving fabric by wearing skinny jeans count as going green?
Sagittarius: I finally get why they call the chicken nuggets at McDonald’s McNuggets!
Capricorn: The sesquicentennial seems like it has gone on for 150 years now.
Aquarius: I don’t care what you want to be called, if your last name is Murphy, I’m calling you “Murph.”
Pisces: Your dreams of starting up a Nepalese cat store called “Catmandu” are becoming a reality, my friend.