Night of the living… squirrels; Yeah, we’re making more squirrel jokes

Carter Brown – Staff Writer

Beware, Ghouls, for on the night of Halloween, Oct. 31, something unearthly will come back to haunt us…It’s none other than the Night of the Living Squirrels. For years on Halloween, it has been a common occurrence that the squirrels of Gustavus who have since passed come back as undead figures to roam the campus once more and wreak havoc. Be wary, Ghouls, these squirrels may appear just like their alive counterparts, fluffy tails and all, but they’re actually out to do one thing…steal your nuts. Pistachios, almonds, peanuts, they want it all. There is no shortage of greedy, undead squirrels.
Gus the Lion, who is not just our mascot but also our official leading undead squirrel expert, shares some advice and tips on how to stop a horde of fluffy, loveable, undead squirrels. Firstly, they sound different. Although the untrained ear may have a bit of difficulty finding this audible difference between an undead squirrel and a live one, it will be attempted to be explained here for your safety. While a live squirrel sounds more “chatty” and like someone trying really hard to clear their throat but they are unable to, undead squirrels will sound more like an exasperated old man’s sigh of disappointment. While this is a crude comparison, it might just be one that saves your life, and your nuts.
The second trick to spotting an undead squirrel is that they are a darker shade of gray. Rather than the usual shade of gray that squirrels are, they are much darker with a bluish tint, much like what a chinchilla’s fur would look like. This is due to the fact that the undead squirrel does not care about fur maintenance like their living counterparts do, so their hygienic practices are practically nonexistent. Now, your third and final trick to spotting an undead squirrel is that it will, of course, be dead. It will most likely smell like a rotting animal because it is. This is the biggest giveaway, so if you smell something is off, please run away.
These squirrels will stop at nothing to get your nuts. Remember that on Halloween night, it is every person and squirrel for themselves. These bits of advice are not foolproof, however “It is better safe, than nutless.” Gus the Lion said. If you are in need of shelter from these squirrels and are unable to make it to your dorm safely, our Safe Rides and Gus Bus programs are specially equipped for this event to help escort you to and from without fear on this night. And remember…Happy Halloween.

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