With close friends or close groups, I’m usually the one who will ask a question about ‘love lives.’ Those who are committed in some sort of relationship, however they define it, will respond with sharing about their partner(s) and/or how that is going. Others stare blankly at me and half jokingly, half nervously say, “My love life is non-existent.” Have you heard this response before? Just think about it. This person is claiming that their love life is nowhere to be found, almost lost in a dark abyss.
Some of you who know me may be thinking, ‘OK Nicole. That’s easy for you to say because you have a partner. Both of you care and support one another and that part of your life seems to be going well.’ I want to acknowledge the fact that it is easy for me to talk about this because I represent the norm of how society views relationships. In all seriousness, if there isn’t some semi-serious/committed/fit into a traditional, heteronormative relationship or chase of sorts, this dark abyss response may accurately express how people actually feel when asked such a ‘personal’ question.
Yet, what if we all pushed our understanding of love and the ways we notice and talk about it in our lives? This is an invitation, especially when it’s such a Valentine’s Day love-crazed time, to notice love a little differently.
In current conversations, we center the sharing and telling about our love lives solely on intimate definitions of love. Is that the only kind of love in our lives? If we only focus on this single understanding of love in our lives, what happens to the other parts that make our lives whole?
First off, let us remember that those who do not fit into the traditional committed heterosexual relationship and want-to-have-kids-then-buy-a-house are not as welcomed into these conversations as they are currently framed. Also, asexual individuals are especially excluded from this current framework of love life conversations because they are individuals who do not experience sexual attraction.
The Asexual Visibility & Educational Network shares that asexuality is not so much a choice like celibacy; asexuality is an intrinsic part of who they are as humans. Never knew about asexuality? It’s a humbling reminder that there’s always more to learn.
Let’s get back to the invitation. This is an invitation to notice love and all the ways it shows up in our lives. To give readers an example of what this would look like, I reflect on the loves in my life right now as I’m writing this.
There is love of a parent-child relationship, as well as a self-nurturing/wellbeing kind of love. There’s growing, supportive, silly partner love, and ‘talk every now and then’, yet deep meaningful sibling love.You get love from deep listening, love for the planet and all that it gives to sustain our beings, and fun, playful, everyday friend love. Love from the collective change-making community and potluck love are also there. There’s all sorts of love.
This invitation is also a challenge. One to notice the loves in your life and all the places it shows up. Where is the love in your life? If you want, take time to think about it. Write about it. Sing about it. Dream about it. It doesn’t have to get complicated. Generate a list of sorts. It’s almost like your own, personalized version of The Black Eyed Peas classic “Where is the Love?”
This is not some earth-shattering idea, yet what do we begin to notice when taking time to think about all the different kinds of love in our lives? It takes courage to notice because in noticing and reframing the conversation around love, we reveal parts of us that are closed off from everyday conversation. This practice of noticing allows us to show up in spaces with more grace and gentleness in our bodies.
It’s easy said, huh? Especially in the face of great injustice, exclusion, unfairness and all the works. It’s likely to stir up feelings of defeat, hurt and exhaustion. Yet, if we think of those times, past and current, we always move forward. Amidst all of this, love is always around us. We simply must have the courage and willingness to notice it. Imagine what could happen if we embraced and lived fully into all the love in our lives.
What are you willing to notice?
-Nicole Ektnitphong