* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but Rebecca Bergman’s first rulings as President-Elect of Gustavus. Making a lot of noise here.
Friday, Mar. 7
GAC’s Got Talent: The Caf 7 p.m.
But grammatical fluency is not one of those talents.
Weekend Movie: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 & 10 p.m.
Given how clumsy Jennifer Lawrence is, she should get an Oscar for playing the most coordinated fictional character ever.
Saturday, Mar. 8
Building Bridges Conference: Christ Chapel 9 a.m.
THE HOLY WATER IN THE CHAPEL COULD HAVE BEEN USED FOR CLEAN DRINKING WATER.
Weekend Movie: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 & 10 p.m.
Room draw drama is far more brutal and compelling than this movie.
LineUs Show: Alumni Hall 8 p.m.
Sometimes after a jovial social justice conference, you need to get serious for an hour.
Sunday, Mar. 9
Weekend Movie: The Hunger Games: Catching Fire: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
Is Bradley Cooper in this one, too, now that he is in EVERY J-LAW MOVIE EVER?
Monday, Mar. 10
Spring Chinese Language Table: The Caf 5:30 p.m.
Hopefully they have the wholly authentic Chinese dish, orange chicken.
Performing Gender: Sometimes I Do and Sometimes I Don’t: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
Sometimes I go to events like this and sometimes I don’t.
Tuesday, Mar. 11
Meet-n-Greet: Admission Staff: Diversity Center 3:30 p.m.
They don’t give a s@#$. You’re already here.
Solar Heat Workshop: Interpretive Center 6 p.m.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS SOLAR HEAT ANYMORE.
Wednesday, Mar. 12
Internship & Service Learning Fair: Heritage Banquet Room 11:30 a.m.
You’ll learn that they won’t pay you s@#$ for a summer of work.
PASO Trivia/Open Mic Night: Courtyard Café 7 p.m.
Nothing like an opportunity to sing “Africa” by Toto where it kind of makes sense.
Thursday, Mar. 13
Day on the Hill: State Capitol 8:30 a.m.
It’s windy on GAC’s hill, but this hill is more long-winded.
Fika: Swedish House 9 p.m.
Does Gustavus have some ties to Sweden or something?
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: I think Putin was Russian to some conclusions to this whole Ukraine thing.
Taurus: Hmmmm . . .The main butt of my jokes have transitioned from Miley to Putin. I think I’m growing up.
Gemini: I mean pretty soon I will be doing jokes about the deficit or Benghazi or Obamacare . . . LOLZ NO I WON’T.
Cancer: Why didn’t your story on Snapchat win Best Short Film at the Oscars?
Leo: I bet the profs make their own Gustie Couples page soon.
Virgo: I mean, they already have a Love Confessions page.
Libra: And with that Oscar win, all jokes about Matthew McConaughey have died . . . R.I.P.
Scorpio: THAT’S OKAY, PLANET EARTH. WE NEVER WANTED SPRING ANYWAY.
Sagittarius: When the hell can I study abroad in Narnia?
Capricorn: There is like a 95 percent chance that Betty White is a renegade cyborg that refuses mortality.
Aquarius: Leonardo DiCaprio isn’t taking losing at the Oscars well because his childhood soccer league didn’t keep score.
Pisces: The CFs have their own Draft Combine where they test applicant’s alcohol violation times.