The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the instructions to a t-shirt cannon. Not necessarily good instructions, but instructions nonetheless.
Friday, Mar. 15
Faculty Meeting: Alumni Hall 2:30 p.m.
Hopefully they have a sign that says, “No Kidz Aloud.”
Gustie Cup: Basketball and Dunk Contest (Space Jam Edition): Lund Center Forum 4:30 p.m.
All of my Space Jam jokes made a difference!
Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I’m kind of afraid to make a joke about this movie. Tolkien fans don’t f@#$ around.
Saturday, Mar. 16
Vagina Monologues: Alumni Hall 6 p.m.
Wait, vaginas can talk? Oh, how sex ed failed me . . .
Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Most moviegoers will go see this film out of hobbit.
Sunday, Mar. 17
Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
I think we all feel a little bit like Gollum whenever the Caf has Caesar salads.
Vagina Monologues: Alumni Hall 3 p.m.
After fingering through the program, it’ll be pretty good.
Monday, Mar. 18
Hispanic Film Festival Screening of Undertow: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.
Not to be confused with the wart documentary Undertoe.
Tuesday, Mar. 19
Peace Studies Award Celebration: The Board Room 5 p.m.
Surprisingly enough, most get really violent if they don’t win an award.
Wednesday, Mar. 20
Lunch and Learn with Turning Technologies: St. Peter Room 11:30 a.m.
This week features the steering wheel!
Public Speaking Preparation: Culpeper Language Center 9 p.m.
Next week in the “Conquering Fears Lecture Series” will be “Playing with Spiders.”
Thursday, Mar. 21
Poetry Readings by Patricia Kirkpatrick and Tim Nolan: Interpretive Center 7 p.m.
The alternate title for this event is “Battle of the Bards.”
Lecture by Rikk Kvitek, Ph.D.: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.
Soooooo many Ks.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Did Charlie Sheen die? It’s just that we haven’t heard anything batsh** crazy for a while now.
Taurus: It took the cardinals less time to pick the pope than it does for me to figure out what I’m going to have at the Caf.
Gemini: Allowing knives to be on planes makes total sense. Those peanut packages are so hard to open.
Cancer: Why hasn’t an NFL team offered me a contract yet? 🙁
Leo: Journalism died a little bit with that emoticon in the last one.
Virgo: The most maddening part of March Madness is that just as much of it takes place in April.
Libra: Even though he is the pope, Lionel Messi is still the most famous Argentinian.
Scorpio: No“ YogaWar” jokes this week. Even the bloodiest wars need time off.
Sagittarius: St. Patrick’s Day is incredible in its ability to get people to go apesh** celebrating a culture they have no ties to.
Capricorn: Iran is suing the makers of Argo. Looks like somebody wanted Silver Linings Playbook to win.
Aquarius: The new pope is so young this time! He’s only 76!
Pisces: We are nothing but puppets for Res Life to control with the ever- changing Room Draw.
Yeah, Manspider is dressed like a leprechaun this week. No, don’t make any Lucky Charms jokes around him.