The Gustavian Weekly

The Bunion | The Gustavian Weekly

By Aaron Albani Staff Columnist | February 22, 2013 | Opinion

The fighting center is a place where students of all backgrounds feel comfortable. They are often welcomed by a slap to the back of the head. <em>Vinny Bartella</em>

The fighting center is a place where students of all backgrounds feel comfortable. They are often welcomed by a slap to the back of the head. Vinny Bartella

Bruises increase in academia

Aaron?The opening of The Fighting Center brings about the age-old debate of whether or not “the pen is mightier than the sword.” And in the case of Gustavus’ newest tutoring organization, the sword trumps the pen every time.

The Writing Center has a new neighbor in Confer Hall as their up-and-coming competition and all out adversary, The Fighting Center, opens its doors to Gustavus students.

The proposition for a violence-oriented tutoring session came as a shock to many professors of the English Department, but after some eye-opening and new-age theories for essay construction were offered to the department, the decision to allow the program’s inception was nearly unanimous.

“When it all comes down to it, a good pounding can really get the creative juices gushing,” Associate Professor Lars McNash said. “I like to think a punch to the gut can communicate more than just metaphorical significance, but literal significance as well.”

The Fighting Center will host a mixture of student and professor employees, open around the clock to help any students at any stage in their essay writing. During a regular first visit, students will be asked to read segments of their work out loud to their respective tutor. If, at any moment, a mistake is discovered, the student will be reprimanded and encouraged to engage in a physical duel with their tutor to defend the paper’s honor.

“It hurts a bit at first, but what really doesn’t hurt is the feeling of finishing your paper on time,” First-Year Jackson O’Phil said, while holding an ice pack up to his black eye and two chipped teeth.

The estimated success rate for The Fighting Center is well over 100%, the additional data accounting for the brutality of the brawls’ influence on the students to write additional essays of their own accord. While lying in bed with a crushing headache as their wounds heal, the students will have nothing to do but fuel their desire to formulate new academic theses.

“I love my job as a tutor,” Senior English Major Larry Von Strauss told reporters. “It gives me a chance to really help out students who need it, and punching their ribcages is the best way I’ve found to do it.”

With a little more than three months left of the semester, The Fighting Center will no doubt make its way into each and every student’s schedule as the assignments come rushing. Be sure to make an appointment well in advance of finals week and stock up on crutches and Ibuprophen.

*All people, places, and events described in The Bunion are completely fictional and by no means are representatative of any nonfictional people, places, or events. All likenesses are completely coincedential.