Amia Honl – Writer Bot
One of the most important missions here at Crustavus is our green movement. With compost bins everywhere, a Crustavus student is able to be a little more green in their daily lives. One thing we can’t be green with is our body’s gas output. Once we start sweating, a human being can release a lot of grossness into the air. It’s unpleasant to look at, it’s smelly, and it needs to go. Thankfully, Crustavus has released a new action plan to help solve this problem. The campus has announced its decision to replace all student workers with robotic helpers. Once the action plan is fully funded with alum donation funds, the change will begin and take six months to finish. The robots will be supplied by Elon Musk, which makes the $579 million investment worth it.
The former student workers are glad to be able to take a break and definitely aren’t upset that they are out of a job. I was told to say that if you hear any news about a protest happening to please report it to Crampus Soofety. The new robot workers coming in reportedly put out 98 percent less gas than their human counterparts, which helps Crustavus’ greenhouse gas emisions go down. They also stay cleaner longer, since they don’t have to worry about possibly having a booger on their hand after they wipe their nose. They don’t even have noses. You can use regular canola oil or any type of oil to keep the robots running smoothly, which means they never have to stop working. This means that the Market Place can turn into a 24-hour establishment, which would be so good for my late night cravings.
This next step for Crustavus has been seen in other places in the world, with robotics becoming the new normal for many different day-to-day functions. These robots are going to be able to talk and hold conversations, which means that they could possibly replace the Crounseling Centre as well. After all, talking to actual people about your feelings is gross and “natural”, and who wants that? Robots don’t have feelings to cloud their judgement, so they can give you the most logical help. They also don’t judge you for holding them if you start crying, which is very reassuring. Robots have also been on the rise for replacing ESAs on campus, which may explain the increase of BB-8s rolling around.
Of all the things robots are replacing, you would expect love to be the last thing on that list. However, students across GAC have been hopping on the robot love train. New customizable androids have been the hottest buy for lonely single twenty-somethings everywhere. These androids are capable of analyzing speech patterns to be fine tuned in knowing how you feel, as well as having the highest tech cameras in their eyes that you can soulfully gaze into. By being able to customize how the android looks and behaves, you can essentially create your dream partner. Literally, you can make the android into that boy/girl/friend you had a dream about that you can’t forget. The androids are powered by solar energy and can go three days before needing to be charged. You can take them to the coffee shop, the park, anywhere for the perfect date. Except water parks, don’t go to the water park or pool, android partners are not waterproof yet.
Though robots are the greatest thing ever created, they can make mistakes. During the test runs for the campus’ new barista bots, there was an incident where the barista bot started on fire. This is thought to have happened due to coffee grinder dust getting into the robot, but it can’t be for certain. The robots are also reported to have insane amounts of strength, which is useful but slightly dangerous. They can lift heavy boxes and handle food deliveries, but they can also crush a man’s sternum when attempting to perform CPR. Despite concerns over the safeness of robots, the inventors aren’t too worried about it.
“The robots are programmed to follow humanity’s orders. They aren’t able to stray from that programming, and don’t need to limit themselves to prevent what-ifs.” This statement is from the same infamous interview where Gesult actually kicked the reporter out after five minutes to deal with the anti-robot protest happening outside of the head offices,” Robotic Expert Franizinard Gesult said.
Though robots are slowly but surely taking over our daily lives in all aspects, you can’t help but marvel at the genius it took to create these aesthetically pleasing and beautiful machines. So at the end of the day when your android boyfriend develops sentience and cheats on you, or your iDog runs away from home, step back and recognize how marvelous it is that you get to be alive to witness this moment in history. This will make a heck of a story for your grandkids to hear, that is if humanity isn’t wiped out by robots first.