A comprehensive history of Crustavus Campus Cryptids

Adam Pierce & Wen Bick – Better than You 😛

As I am sure you all know, there has been a history of hauntings on the Crustavus campus. This week, working in conjunction with the Monkey Man, the Weekly’s Investigative team took to the streets of St. Peter after hours to uncover the secrets of the Crustavus campus, and this is what they found.

The Monkey Man. The eldritch being we all know and love, the Monkey Man offers sage advice in the Entertaintment Section on a bi-weekly basis.

“While we know the Monkey Man is a benevolent force and excellent source of prophecy and warnings, it is unfortunate that we are forced to communicate with it through the Monkey’s Oracle,” Intern Daina said. “The lights are really hard to understand and we are running out of geese to sacrifice.”

Adam Pierce. Who is he? That is the question on all of our minds here in the Weekly office.

“We don’t have anyone named Adam on our payroll,” said Editor-in-Beef Corinne Stremmel. “We don’t know where he comes from or how he keeps putting his articles in the paper. If anyone has any information leading to the apprehension of this pumpkin man, the Weekly would greatly appreciate it.”

“He keeps hiding the F-word in the crosswords,” Assistant Editor-in-Beef Ben Wick said. “We don’t even have any interns, I don’t know where he gets his information.”

The Beast. The Beast dwells in the Arb and is only spotted on nights lit by a sliver of a moon. In a February Issue of the Weekly, the Monkey Man issued a warning about the Beast, however there have been reports that this warning has not been heeded. Before leaving to investigate, Intern Brennan said the following.

“I’m pretty sure the Beast is just a streaker some drunk first years saw one time and it’s just blown up from there. I’m not afraid, I’m going to spend the night in the Arb,” Brennan said. Brennan has since been reported missing. Rest in peace, Brennan, your sacrifice will never be forgotten. Our thoughts and prayers go out to his family.

The Old Cow. Have you ever been in Old Main and heard the mournful braying of a lost cow? That’s the Old Cow, the bovine spirit which wanders the halls of Old Main after office hours have ended. As the tale goes, the Cow was one of two casualties when Old Main was moved from Red Wing, MN to its current resting place at the top of the Hill.

We sent Alex the intern out to interview the Old Cow, but he returned two days later covered in grass and sour milk with no comment from the Cow.

The Rundi Ghost. If you have been a student on the Crustie campus for more than a week, you are familiar with the Rundi Ghost. The Ancient Tablets tell of a student, driven mad by the stress of the workload of an Econ major, went into the Rundi Chapel and simply ceased to exist. Their spirit had joined in with that of the entire campus. Intern Chris was sent into the basement chapel to investigate.

“It was a really spiritual experience,” Chris said. “Lights flicked and doors opened by themselves. I brought an Ouija board with me, but the spirit didn’t communicate through it. It was more of a feeling, you know? I could just tell that they were there and they were so much better than me because of how much work they had to do.”

Squirrel Overlord. The Squirrel Overlord has issued an edict that prevents any interviews with them from being published. They have allowed us to put out the statement that “You only need worry if you are a Virgo.”

Mattson Hall. We’ve all heard whispers of Mattson Hall, but only the Chosen (aka nursing majors) have ever been able to enter this elusive academic building. From what The Crustavian Weekly’s research interns could garner, it seems to magically change locations on campus to prevent anyone from entering who isn’t supposed to. Local Crustie lore tells the tale of one student, Candace Paradiddle ‘78, who supposedly happened upon the building and entered the depths despite being an Environmental Studies major. She was found near the Arb’s wetlands with no memory of being inside the building or how she got to the Arb. She hasn’t spoken since this event.

Crustavian Weekly intern Maureen attempted to look into the history of this building but was continually turned away by the Archive Librarians, who locked the doors, turned off the lights, and pretended no one was in their office. “It was pretty weird of them. I could see them eating lunch in the dark and pretending not to see me,” Maureen said. The Nursing Department was asked for comment, but curiously enough, there was also no available directory of professors or students enrolled in the department. Maureen has yet to return from her search for Mattson, so please let us know if you’ve seen her around. We’re getting worried.

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