The Gustavian Weekly

Pineapple pizz-nah | The Gustavian Weekly

By Cyan Spicer - Opinion Columnist | September 28, 2018 | Opinion

This pizza has been tainted by pineapple.

This pizza has been tainted by pineapple.

What a wonderful world we live in. A world where people can enjoy the lovely creation that is pizza. A world where people can have any toppings they so choose. A world where there is no judgement for the kind of pizza you eat.

Sounds lovely, doesn’t it? The idea alone is so glorious,  yet so incorrect for our current society.

People judge harshly about many things, and one of those happens to be on the topic ofpizza.

This is awful, isn’t it? It’s just not something people should judge others for, right? Wrong, and I’ll tell you exactly why I say that. Because people still believe, for some crazy reason, that pineapple is an acceptable choice for a pizza topping. It’s crazy, I know, but some people are really out there, even here at Gustavus actually, eating pineapple pizza like it isn’t completely wrong. I know what you’re already thinking. This debate again?

Yes, of course. There is still much left unsaid, and here at Gustavus, where pizza is a widely shared interest, I must be the one to bring it back up.

Pineapple on pizza is a crime. Plain and simple. Fruit, unless it is the tomato sauce beneath the cheese of the heavenly food that is pizza, simply does not belong.

I may not have been here long, but I can confidently say that this debate should have been over years ago. People should have given up this silly notion that pineapple can be accepted into the pizza toppings club. Yet here we go again.

“…but some people are really out there, even here at Gustavus actually, eating pineapple pizza like it isn’t completely wrong.”

Many people, those who enjoy pineapple pizza, are clearly confused about what a pizza should look and taste like. Pizza isn’t meant to be sweet, and pineapple is clearly something that makes pizza taste way too sweet. I’m not the only person who sees it this way, either.

“Pineapple does not belong on pizza because the pizza already gets enough sweetness from the sauce, which is made from tomato; therefore with the pineapple on top, it’s an overload of sweetness, and pizza is not meant to be a sweet food,” First-year Brie Bushlack said.

Pizza is meant to be savory, not sweet. It’s a clear, well– known fact that, although there are many kinds of pizza–some made with hot sauce, others made to be dessert–the classic, marinara–style pizza is not meant to be a sickeningly sweet food. Pineapple threatens to make it that way, however, and if we allow that, then we’ve corrupted the entire pizza system.

“There are many different toppings to choose from, so why bother arguing your way into keeping pineapple as one of them?”

Even Gordon Ramsay, a professional chef that everyone and their cat may know of, has commented on the issue at large, saying in more harsh terms that pineapple simply does not go on pizza. Being that he’s a world– renowned chef with way more experience and knowledge on food than any of us can claim, you know he’s right.

The basic fact that I’m getting at here, if you haven’t quite caught on yet, is that pineapple does not belong on pizza. It’s as simple, and yet somehow made complex, as that.

There are many different toppings to choose from, so why bother arguing your way into keeping pineapple as one of them? Sure, there’s a lot of other very questionable toppings people have brought into play, but those much stranger toppings can be brought up another day. After we settle the debate on pineapple.

Hawaiian pizza may be a popular choice, and even I love a good Hawaiian pizza from time to time. But even then I pick those awful little yellow triangles from the pizza. Why? Because as I may have mentioned, they do not belong.

“It’s not worthy, so just put it back into the fruit cocktail where it belongs.”

Pizza is pizza. It’s a beautiful, well–loved food good for anytime of the day. But when you bring in the idea of pineapple, or any sweet fruit for that matter, as a choice of topping, you’re no longer respecting the pizza for what it is.

Many people can agree on their love for pizza, regardless of their other many differences. Yet we still cannot agree on this simple fact.

We need to settle this, once and for all. Everyone should just accept the fact that pineapple does not deserve to be on pizza. It’s not worthy, so just put it back into the fruit cocktail where it belongs.

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