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MINNEAPOLIS­­–A comprehensive study released this week by the University of Minnesota College of Medical Sciences has attributed the nation’s shortage of physicians to the Department of Chemistry at Gustavus Adolphus College in Saint Peter, MN. The research, which also included an in­-depth analyses of the impact of various traditional market forces on the allure of medical careers, traced the industry’s primary bottleneck to the introduction of the term “stereochemistry” in the first semester of the Gustavus Organic Chemistry sequence.

Malpractice lawsuits, widely held to be the largest single career ­ending factor in the industry, fell behind the Gustavus Department of Chemistry by a wide margin.

Department of Admission’s statistics report 2,800 of the approximately 2,600 students enrolled at Gustavus Adolphus College have at one point declared themselves to be pre­-med, though less than five per graduating class follow through on this.

Rising Sophomore Sean Joseph, whose illustrious career as an Eden Prairie Orthopedic Surgeon was cut short in Professor Katrina Kornokopvia’s Organic Chemistry 1 course this past spring, was unsurprised by the study. Joseph still vigorously defends his pre-­med status, despite a 2.9 GPA through the least rigorous courses in the Chemistry department.

Associate Professor and Chair Kelly Brando expressed her belief the report affirms the mission statement of the Department of Chemistry, which asserts, “The Chemistry curriculum is designed to function as an integral part of the liberal arts program of the College, by driving most students far away from the sciences and back to the actual liberal arts.”

–The Fourth Crown Editorial Staff