* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the diary of Vladimir Putin. The guy f@#$ing loves The Hobbit.
Friday, Mar. 14
Post-Impact: Life after a Traumatic Brain Injury: Alumni Hall 3 p.m.
This might be the closest we get to having an NFL player on campus in a while.
Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I might just spread this short joke over the course of three calendar entries because that’s the Peter Jackson way.
Saturday, Mar. 15
President’s Ball: Verizon Wireless Center 5 p.m.
Ohle’s last hurrah is gonna be a wild one, folks.
Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I can’t wait until the part in The Hobbit when Frodo kills Voldemort and sends him back to Narnia.
Sunday, Mar. 16
Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
They need to desolate smog in Los Angeles. #GOINGGREEN
Monday, Mar. 17
Insomnia Lunch & Learn: Heritage Banquet Room 11:30 a.m.
I feel like this should be much later than it is currently.
Exploring Religious Questions Series: Olin Hall 103 7 p.m.
Like, “Is Thor a religious movie?”
Tuesday, Mar. 18
Teachers Talking: St. Peter Room 11:30 a.m.
This is where they gossip about the stupid kids, isn’t it?
Geocaching Challenge: Interpretive Center 4:30 p.m.
Not to be confused with the sports- location event, Geocoaching Challenge.
Weekly Meditation: Interfaith Space 7 p.m.
If I were to go to this event, it might inadvertantly become Weekly Naptime.
Wednesday, Mar. 19
Watering Hole Wednesdays: Vickner 108 3:30 p.m.
This is what they are calling Karaoke Night at Patty’s now?
Gustie Cup Sports Trivia: Courtyard Café 9:30 p.m.
I knew memorizing all of the statistics of the fall’s flag football tournament would come in handy.
Thursday, Mar. 20
College Republican Meeting: Gustie Den 7 p.m.
They exist here????
Sophomore Class Showcase: Courtyard Café 8 p.m.
The seniors were going to have one, but then they realized that it would involve some work.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Ah, Spring. We taste thine bittersweet nectar of warmer weather and an hour lost of sleep.
Taurus: Watch as the seniors slide into a swimming pool of “whatever.”
Gemini:
Cancer: See, I’m sliding so much that I didn’t even put anything in Gemini. #RENEGADE
Leo: It’s only a matter of time until Blackbeard goes full True Detective and starts spouting off nihilistic soliliquies.
Virgo: The Bachelor is like a fairytale . . . but closer to Hans Christian Andersen than Disney.
Libra: ROOM DRAW: Watch the underclassmen fight for Uhler scraps!
Scorpio: A plane is missing? What is this? LOST?
Sagittarius: March Madness will be an all- time low for the Class of 2014’s production level.
Capricorn: I haven’t been signed by an NFL team yet. They must not know that I’m a free agent or something.
Aquarius: You may have beaten us at hockey, St. Thomas, but do you have a flower that smells like dead people?
Pisces: The Flame’s business has got to suffer on March 17 when you have an establishment called Patty’s. It’s like cheating.