The Gustavian Weekly

Calendar (3/14/2014)

By Justin Feit Calendar Editor | March 14, 2014 | Calendar

Sun’s out, guns out for Manspider.

Sun’s out, guns out for Manspider.

* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the diary of Vladimir Putin. The guy f@#$ing loves The Hobbit.

Friday, Mar. 14

Post-Impact: Life after a Traumatic Brain Injury: Alumni Hall 3 p.m.

This might be the closest we get to having an NFL player on campus in a while.

Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

I might just spread this short joke over the course of three calendar entries because that’s the Peter Jackson way.

Saturday, Mar. 15

President’s Ball: Verizon Wireless Center 5 p.m.

Ohle’s last hurrah is gonna be a wild one, folks.

Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

I can’t wait until the part in The Hobbit when Frodo kills Voldemort and sends him back to Narnia.

Sunday, Mar. 16

Weekend Movie: The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

They need to desolate smog in Los Angeles. #GOINGGREEN

Monday, Mar. 17

Insomnia Lunch & Learn: Heritage Banquet Room 11:30 a.m.

I feel like this should be much later than it is currently.

Exploring Religious Questions Series: Olin Hall 103 7 p.m.

Like, “Is Thor a religious movie?”

Tuesday, Mar. 18

Teachers Talking: St. Peter Room 11:30 a.m.

This is where they gossip about the stupid kids, isn’t it?

Geocaching Challenge: Interpretive Center 4:30 p.m.

Not to be confused with the sports- location event, Geocoaching Challenge.

Weekly Meditation: Interfaith Space 7 p.m.

If I were to go to this event, it might inadvertantly become Weekly Naptime.

Wednesday, Mar. 19

Watering Hole Wednesdays: Vickner 108 3:30 p.m.

This is what they are calling Karaoke Night at Patty’s now?

Gustie Cup Sports Trivia: Courtyard Café 9:30 p.m.

I knew memorizing all of the statistics of the fall’s flag football tournament would come in handy.

Thursday, Mar. 20

College Republican Meeting: Gustie Den 7 p.m.

They exist here????

Sophomore Class Showcase: Courtyard Café 8 p.m.

The seniors were going to have one, but then they realized that it would involve some work.

Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes

Aries: Ah, Spring. We taste thine bittersweet nectar of warmer weather and an hour lost of sleep.

Taurus: Watch as the seniors slide into a swimming pool of “whatever.”

Gemini:

Cancer: See, I’m sliding so much that I didn’t even put anything in Gemini. #RENEGADE

Leo: It’s only a matter of time until Blackbeard goes full True Detective and starts spouting off nihilistic soliliquies.

Virgo: The Bachelor is like a fairytale . . . but closer to Hans Christian Andersen than Disney.

Libra: ROOM DRAW: Watch the underclassmen fight for Uhler scraps!

Scorpio: A plane is missing? What is this? LOST?

Sagittarius: March Madness will be an all- time low for the Class of 2014’s production level.

Capricorn: I haven’t been signed by an NFL team yet. They must not know that I’m a free agent or something.

Aquarius: You may have beaten us at hockey, St. Thomas, but do you have a flower that smells like dead people?

Pisces: The Flame’s business has got to suffer on March 17 when you have an establishment called Patty’s. It’s like cheating.