* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The Gustavian Weekly, but rather the manuscript of President Obama’s Syria speech. I think he’s skirting around the issues.
Friday, Sept. 13
Russian Tea: Phi Beta Kappa Room 4 p.m.
The Americans also defeated the heavily favored Russians in tea brewing at the 1980 Olympics.
Weekend Movie: Man of Steel: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.
Man of Tin just doesn’t have the same ring to it.
Saturday, Sept. 14
Volunteer Leadership Day: Banquet Rooms & Alumni Hall 8:30 a.m.
Volunteering for leadership a.k.a. running for Student Senate as an upperclassman.
Weekend Movie: Man of Steel: Wallenberg Auditorium 7 p.m.
Superman has always overshadowed his colleague, Adequateman.
Step Afrika! SNL: Lund Center 10 p.m.
I won’t lie; I would prefer Escalator Afrika.
Sunday, Sept. 15
Weekend Movie: Man of Steel: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
The fact that no NFL team has picked up Clark Kent yet makes me think this isn’t real.
Monday, Sept. 16
Academic Tutoring in Pittman Hall: Pittman Hall 7 p.m.
Sorry, Pittman, I guess Sohre and Co-ed students are just smarter than you.
Tuesday, Sept. 17
Privacy and Civil Liberties: A Conversation: Library, GLA Reading Room 2:30 p.m.
A conversation the government will be listening to.
Butts and Gutts: Lund 217 7 p.m.
Not to be confused with the very similar Bum and Tum.
Wednesday, Sept. 18
Insanity: Lund 224 5 p.m.
It’s crazy to think anyone in their right minds would go to this.
Bards in the Arb: Matt Rasmussen and Ethan Rutherford: Interpretive Center 7 p.m.
TWO WRITERS ENTER. ONE WRITER LEAVES.
Thursday, Sept. 19
Study Abroad Returnee Pizza Party: Carlson International Center Room 5:30 p.m.
A poor effort to cater to those who went to Italy.
A Pearl in the Storm: How I Found My Heart in the Middle of the Ocean: Christ Chapel 7 p.m.
There is only one question worth asking Tori Murden McClure: were you too scared to row across the Pacific?
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Fast and Furious 7 just started filming. Must have gone over well at Wallenberg.
Taurus: So is Miley the one twerking or is it Hannah Montana?
Gemini: But actually, until Miley Cyrus figures her s@#$ out, I have at least one joke ready every week.
Cancer: Greek rush got a whole lot more complicated when IGS implemented The Price Is Right bidding rules.
Leo: Despite destroying the city, the mirthquake did leave a smile on the face of every citizen.
Virgo: McDonald’s has the BEST Scottish food.
Libra: Every time I see the Family Fresh Market sign instead of Econo, I die a little bit.
Scorpio: The beer bottles and cans lining College Ave are like the bread crumbs of Gustavus’ Hansel and Gretel trying to find their way home on Saturday night.
Sagittarius: Daniel Day-Lewis has got to be the worst person to hang out with on Halloween. He even commits hardcore to his costumes.
Capricorn: See the senior on the prowl for food, stalking his prey, mooching off sophomores’ meal plans.
Aquarius: It’s too bad Dexter can’t kill his own show already.
Pisces: We all know the “First World” War started with a botched iPhone update.