Gustavus sophomore sexiled

Gustavus Sophomore Zack Molar was seen sitting cross-legged outside his dorm room all night Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. When asked why he would rather camp out in the cold, uncomfortable hallway of Gibbs Hall, he replied, “Well, my roommate and his girlfriend are having sex, so … ”

It would seem that Molar’s roommate, Sean Holten, has every right to copulate with his significant other whenever they want and for any length they desire.  According to Molar, he, too, should be entitled to some time in the room.

“See, Zack complains about practically everything. The other day, he was going on about someone stealing his coat and that he was cold walking to class. It’s like, come on, man. Get another coat or something,” Sophomore Friend Blake Redden said.

All complaining aside, Molar was determined to get a word in and hopefully a few hours of sleep in his own bed. He did finally catch Holten for a moment between sessions, however, it was not so pleasant.

“The good news is that he’s giving me a sleeping mat that fits nicely in the hall. He said he’ll have open hours from 8 a.m.-10 a.m. when I can get new clothes and grab my toothbrush,” Molar said as he tucked himself into his sleeping bag on the hard and filthy carpet.

Some of dorm rooms around Molar’s are beginning to take notice. Some of his close friends are taking pity on him, offering a futon to sleep on from time to time. But Molar’s pride keeps him grounded and insistent upon getting a night or two a week in the small, cramped, and smelly dorm. Other residents are not so understanding.

“Whatever, right? Zack and his sleeping bag can stay in the hallway for all I care. It’s his own fault. I mean, Sean and Jenny are just having a good time every now and then, that’s all,” Sophomore Ryan McNanny said, while petting the glass aquarium of his beta fish.

Molar is not so gloomy regarding the whole issue, looking to the hopeful warmth of springtime to allow him perhaps a more comfortable abode.

“I’m just waiting for it to get warm enough so that I can camp outside and sleep under the stars,” Molar said. Little does he know, however, it will never be warm again due to 50-60 mph winds carrying negative temperatures from Alaska for several more weeks of the year.

Nevertheless, the semester is still young. With Spring Break around the corner, Molar will be able to catch up on sleep and brainstorm some valid argumentative ammunition to fire at his roommate when he gets back. It may be for naught, but, hell, it’s worth a shot.