Oh My God Is It Over Yet?

I’m a fan of vampires. Interview with a Vampire (Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise) is a good vampire drama; I even like Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale). When vampires became maximally sexualized—possibly thanks to Stephanie Meyer and a bizarre erotic dream she had one night—the world took a turn for the worse. And when they hired Kristen Stewart to play the lead in Twilight, the world screamed for mercy.

I know that the fans of this series are many. And as such, I’m sure that any person who fantasizes about Edward Cullen and his sexy sparkling in the sunlight has already seen this movie. If they are so keen, then I’m sure it would be appropriate to treat this weekend’s movie as an opportunity to relive its opening night in theaters, complete with some sort of vampire costume, as I’m sure this nation was filled to the brim with them on Nov. 16.

For those few who have not yet seen this final installment of Twilight or read the books and still want to see the film this weekend, I’ll give a short synopsis. Bella and Edward got busy, and Bella gave birth to a baby girl. However, Bella was going to die after childbirth and decided to become a vampire, trapped in eternal sexiness with Edward’s family. The child, however, raises concern throughout Earth’s vampire community.

Because vampires are not to give birth, the Volturi (an organization of evil, proper looking vampires with widows peaks and long cloaks) will hunt down Bella and Edward to destroy their child. But Bella’s daughter was not born entirely from vampires. Her birth took place just prior to Bella’s transformation into immortality; as such the child is not entirely human. She grows with unnatural rapidity.

Working quickly, Edward and his family travel the world to gain the trust of fellow vampires and rally them to defend Bella’s child from the Volturi. Why all of these vampires from all over the globe care so intimately about the fate of this one child and are willing to die for her is beyond me.

Kristen Stewart’s atrocious inability to convey any sort of emotion beyond disgust (at least I’m guessing her natural expression indicates disgust) is distracting at the least. When coupled with fair-faced vampires that are nearly as dreadful, the movie is close to unbearable. However, I have to give Stephanie Meyer some credit for giving the people what they seemingly want and making what is no doubt a immense fortune out of rot. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is thankfully the last chapter of the series in the cinematic world and can now be confined only to the shelves of those that pine away after Edward Cullen and his magical sparkles. I relinquish a half star out of five.