* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but are in fact a tube of toothpaste inserted in one nostril and squeezed until your eyeballs are minty fresh. Maybe that will teach you to pay the Shady Character on time!

Friday, March 16

Browser Look Up: Vickner 108 10:30 a.m.

Last time I let someone do that I almost wound up in prison. Apparently, just because someone puts it online that doesn’t mean it’s legal … or not an abomination.

LineUs Show: The Dive 7:00 p.m.

If laughter is the best medicine, these people are Dr. Kavorkian. *

Rockin for Robbie: Battle of the Bands: Alumni Hall 8:00 p.m.

Oh … That’s why all the Sigmas have been asking me what I’m doing Friday night … Sigh.

Something Like Flight: Gustavus Dance Concert: Anderson Theater 8:00 p.m.

Feel free to play Modern Dance Bingo. Check off a box if you see anyone:

• Fall down looking sad.

• Looking up at their hands like they’re amazed.

• See one person who is not part of a big group of people.

• Running in circles.

• Lying on the ground for prolonged periods.

• Cross off the free space for not understanding anything that happens.

Saturday, March 17

Something Like Flight: Gustavus Dance Concert: Anderson Theatre 8:00 p.m.

It’s alright, dancers. Don’t be discouraged. Most Gustavus students don’t recognize dancing if they can’t catch chlamydia from it.

Saturday Night in Lund on St. Patrick’s Day: Lund Center 10:00 p.m.

Oh, no! And I was going to drink that night! Drat. Foiled.

Sunday, March 18

Something Like Flight: Gustavus Dance Concert: Anderson Theater 2:00 p.m.

Of course, I once caught chlamydia in the middle of a pique turn.

Monday, March 19

The Movers Walking Club: Lund Center Information Desk 12:40 p.m.

I wonder if they’re aware that they’re each worth ten points when crossing the road.

Tuesday, March 20

Kickboxing: Lund Aerobics Room 4:30 p.m.

F*&k you. Pick one or the other, coward.

30 Minute Core: Lund Aerobics Room 6:30 p.m.

Remember, you can’t use your little ab-shocker belt if the current can’t get through the fat.

Wednesday, March21

Health Professionals Working with Olympians: Lund 207 7:00 p.m.

Hey, if Aphrodite needs help stretching, I’ve got dibs.

Hunger Games Trivia Night: Folke Bernadotte Memorial Library 7:30 p.m.

Q: How much do the “Hunger Games“ suck?

A: Soooo much.

Thursday, March 22

Candlelight Vigil for Victims of Sex Trafficking: Christ Chapel 8:30 p.m.

For all those people run over by Cadillacs with spinning rims.

Shady Horoscope

Aries: The Zodiac will tell you your future, but not here. On top of Olin. Midnight. Don’t forget the password.

Taurus: Shouting “Guerrilla theater!” Helps you get away with a lot.

Gemini: Trains can sneak up on you.

Cancer: Your blood bank deposits won’t gain interest, it seems.

Leo: Get in the van. It’s cool.

Virgo: Jupiter will pass Pluto today, However, it will forget to signal. What a dick.

Libra: She’s cheating on you. At Scrabble, but still, who does that?

Scorpio: Don’t go walking out in the Arb at midnight. That’s when Jack Ohle runs his white tiger.

Sagittarius: Turns out Laser tag gives you cancer and you’re a murderer.

Capricorn: You’re going to be positive today. But what does that test know? I mean, you got it at a freaking gas station!

Aquarius: Someone is going to poke you right in the third eye today.

Pisces: Expect pleasant surprises today. Not that anything will happen, but it’s like any drug. The high is worth the crash.