* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The Gustavian Weekly, but is in fact a giant bucket of turpentine where your gallon of two percent milk used to be. What is this? A prank? Who has this much turpentine!?
Friday, March 2
First Friday in the Library: Ebooks: Folke Bernadette Library @ 1:30 p.m.
I don’t like E-books for one simple reason. No one can tell my book is bigger than theirs.
Tea Time: Center for Servant Leadership @ 2:30 p.m.
A perfect opportunity to hang out with people who are better people than you.
The Vagina Monologues 2012: Bjorling Recital Hall @ 7:00 p.m.
I’m not making any vagina jokes. Period.
Saturday, March 3
Scholarship Day Competition
Set the prospies loose in the Arb with a machete and a bottle of iodine.
The Vagina Monologues 2012: Bjorling Recital Hall @ 2:00 & 7:00 p.m.
Seriously. You should go. We’ll know if you’re just acting like you came.
Gustie Cup: Broomball: Ice Rink @ 5:30 p.m.
This is also a recently outlawed Catholic school punishment.
Open Bar: Who let the Monkeys Out? The Dive @ 7:30 p.m.
Ben Batz.
Sunday, March 4
Choose Your Own Adventure Sunday!
You knew it was probably a bad idea to try that Native American peyote ritual on Scholarship Day. Now you’ve awakened, naked, chained to a light post, with impressionable young prospies crowding in to gawk at your pale shanks.
Yell for help! : turn to pg. 43
Pray. : turn to pg. 54
-Page 43: Someone from Marketing steps from the crowd and covers you with strips of fake grass.
-Page 54: Your spirit animal appears. Unfortunatley it is a shark. The prospies scatter. Suddenly animal control appears.
Explain it’s a mythical shark: pg. 76
Yell for help! : Turn to pg. 43
-Page 76:We don’t need you ranting and raving on Scholarship Day.
Turn to pg. 43
Monday, March 5
The Movers Walking Club: Lund Center Information Desk @ 12:40 p.m.
Walk on my friends. Walk, free of my petty barbs and jibes.
Tuesday, March 6
Tickets available for The Hunger Games: Student Activities Office Desk @ All day
I hear the movie is a lot like the book, except that the narrator doesn’t sound like a 40 year-old woman’s first blog entry on her vacation in French Canada.
“Understanding Gustavus: Exploring Its Lutheran Identity”: President’s Dining Room @ 11:30 a.m.
How do we know Jesus and his disciples wouldn’t have been Lutherans?
Jesus only had to offer them communion one time.
Wednesday, March 7
American Red Cross Blood Drive: Alumni Hall @ 12:00 p.m.
Oh, they’re allowed to come onto campus and start taking our blood, but when my friends and I do it, we’re a “cult.”
Thursday, March 8
Student Spill Training Session: Beck 211 @ 7:00 p.m.
Glad to see Gustavus is finally doing something about the icy sidewalks.
Shady Horoscope
Aries:Did you know Beck Hall has a penthouse? I say we demand that the administration let us check it out.
Taurus: Delete your browser history before you leave this morning.
Gemini:You can’t punch a turtle and expect it to go well.
Cancer:Let’s just say your apartment is going to be full of drug sniffing dogs and a tiger.
Leo:You lose three turns.
Virgo:There’s a fine, fine line between a home video of you and your roommate doing parkour, and a snuff film.
Libra:You’re going to reach into the newspaper dispenser and get a stick of butter. There is no reason.
Scorpio: Steer clear of the Arb this week. Prospies with machetes.
Sagittarius: Let the rhythm transport you.
Capricorn: Baby seal buffet. I ain’t saying when or where, but I’m just saying.
Aquarius: Don’t you give the Zodiac no lip. Watch your step.
Pisces: Great. You’ve set the mummy’s curse on us all. Man, no wonder everyone hates your stupid ass.