Calendar (03/02/12)

* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The Gustavian Weekly, but is in fact  a giant bucket of turpentine where your gallon of two percent milk used to be. What is this? A prank? Who has this much turpentine!?

Friday, March 2

The Shady Character feels like there's something going on this week. James Freetly.

First Friday in the Library: Ebooks: Folke Bernadette Library @ 1:30 p.m.

I don’t like E-books for one simple reason. No one can tell my book is bigger than theirs.

Tea Time: Center for Servant Leadership @ 2:30 p.m.

A perfect opportunity to hang out with people who are better people than you.

The Vagina Monologues 2012: Bjorling Recital Hall @ 7:00 p.m.

I’m not making any vagina jokes. Period.

Saturday, March 3

Scholarship Day Competition

Set the prospies loose in the Arb with a machete and a bottle of iodine.

The Vagina Monologues 2012: Bjorling Recital Hall @ 2:00 & 7:00 p.m.

Seriously. You should go. We’ll know if you’re just acting like you came.

Gustie Cup: Broomball: Ice Rink @ 5:30 p.m.

This is also a recently outlawed Catholic school punishment.

Open Bar: Who let the Monkeys Out? The Dive @ 7:30 p.m.

Ben Batz.

Sunday, March 4

Choose Your Own Adventure Sunday!

You knew it was probably a bad idea to try that Native American peyote ritual on Scholarship Day. Now you’ve awakened, naked, chained to a light post, with impressionable young prospies crowding in to gawk at your pale shanks.

Yell for help! : turn to pg. 43

Pray. : turn to pg. 54

-Page 43: Someone from Marketing steps from the crowd and covers you with strips of fake grass.

-Page 54: Your spirit animal appears. Unfortunatley it is a shark. The prospies scatter. Suddenly animal control appears.

Explain it’s a mythical shark: pg. 76

Yell for help! : Turn to pg. 43

-Page 76:We don’t need you ranting and raving on Scholarship Day.

Turn to pg. 43

Monday, March 5

The Movers Walking Club: Lund Center Information Desk @ 12:40 p.m.

Walk on my friends. Walk, free of my  petty barbs and jibes.

Tuesday, March 6

Tickets available for The Hunger Games: Student Activities Office Desk @ All day

I hear the movie is a lot like the book, except that the narrator doesn’t sound like a 40 year-old woman’s first blog entry on her vacation in French Canada.

“Understanding Gustavus: Exploring Its Lutheran Identity”: President’s Dining Room @ 11:30 a.m.

How do we know Jesus and his disciples wouldn’t have been Lutherans?

Jesus only had to offer them communion one time.

Wednesday, March 7

American Red Cross Blood Drive: Alumni Hall @ 12:00 p.m.

Oh, they’re allowed to come onto campus and start taking our blood, but when my friends and I do it, we’re a “cult.”

Thursday, March 8

Student Spill Training Session: Beck 211 @ 7:00 p.m.

Glad to see Gustavus is finally doing something about the icy sidewalks.

Shady Horoscope

Aries:Did you know Beck Hall has a penthouse? I say we demand that the administration let us check it out.

Taurus: Delete your browser history before you leave this morning.

Gemini:You can’t punch a turtle and expect it to go well.

Cancer:Let’s just say your apartment is going to be full of drug sniffing dogs and a tiger.

Leo:You lose three turns.

Virgo:There’s a fine, fine line between a home video of you and your roommate doing parkour, and a snuff film.

Libra:You’re going to reach into the newspaper dispenser and get a stick of butter. There is no reason.

Scorpio: Steer clear of the Arb this week. Prospies with machetes.

Sagittarius: Let the rhythm transport you.

Capricorn: Baby seal buffet. I ain’t saying when or where, but I’m just saying.

Aquarius: Don’t you give the Zodiac no lip. Watch your step.

Pisces: Great. You’ve set the mummy’s curse on us all. Man, no wonder everyone hates your stupid ass.