Cogito, ergo sum. Imbimbo navitas, ergo cogito. (I think, therefore I am. I drink energy drinks, therefore I think.) -Descartes

When my brain isn’t working properly it usually needs a violent kick in the face. My brain knows this and it tries very hard to respond to my demands. It does have some level of respect for me. But sometimes it forgets its place. It thinks it knows better than I do when it needs rest or nourishment.

A word of advice: don’t ever compromise with your brain. Your brain is only out for itself. Give it an inch and it’ll walk all over you. Your brain should be like a dog on a leash. When it acts up you’ve got to choke that puppy.

So your brain is being a bad boy. How do you discipline him? Take a nap? No, that would be giving in. Weakness will not be tolerated. Eat healthier and exercise? Elitist propaganda. Clearly, the only road to victory comes from using chemicals.

There are two locations on this campus that offer coffee, one of which is devoted entirely to the task. College kids love coffee more than they love their families. They love it so much that when they go to a coffee shop they don’t ever want to leave. They just bring their entire lives along with them. Books, computers, loved ones. This is the crowd that makes up River Rock’s clientele (Here’s a shoutout to them. Best coffee this side of the Missisip’). This is also the most expensive way to kick your brain in the teeth.

For those who prefer to use their meal plans, the Courtyard Café is decent. They sell Peace Coffee. Drinking this coffee means you care about people. In the Market Place they sell Tiny Footprint Coffee. Drinking this coffee means you care more about trees \than you do about people. Both are good because both contain caffeine. We don’t fool around with that decaf nonsense here.

But we don’t just serve up bitterness. The Courtyard Café has a limited selection of domestic energy drinks on tap. Full Throttle, Nos, and occasionally Rockstar. Full Throttle is a full-bodied blend that stands well on its own. Nos tastes like grapefruit. Rockstar is sour and dry, best served with red meat.

There is nothing wrong with energy drinks. If there were they wouldn’t taste so darn good. As we all know, evolution has tailored our senses over millions of years to like what is healthy for us and to dislike what is not. This is why chocolate tastes good and tree bark does not. Energy drinks taste good because although your brain may misbehave, your body is always on your side. While your brain is a cocky b-word, your body is stupid and docile. It wants you to drink lots and lots of sugar and chemicals because it likes them, and that is the end of the story.

First-years would be much happier if they had more energy drinks. So would all those upper-middle-class suburbanite overachievers that hang around here. If you don’t like the taste, I am sad for you. If you don’t need them, I congratulate you. But if you are trying to keep your body pure and unadulterated and “healthy,” you’re a jerk. What does “healthy” even mean anymore? Just stop it. Nobody’s impressed. You’re as bad as the vegetarians.

The educated consumer can visit www.screamingenergy.com to find insightful and critical reviews of all major energy drinks as well as some additional information about why energy drinks are totally badass.