Clare Greeman – Twilight Expert

I’ve fended off tons of requests to write this article at this point so I’ve finally caved… Gusties, your definitive ranking of the Twilight franchise has arrived. And no need to worry, I’m a Twilight veteran. I won’t expound on my title since I don’t like to brag, but I was at the premiere of Eclipse and a decade later I had pre-ordered my copy of Midnight Sun so you know I’m in for the long haul.
It will come as no surprise to no true Twilight fan that Eclipse is the worst movie. Despite the entertainment value (I would argue that it has the most action of all Twilight films) it fails in that it sucks. Jacob’s character is assassinated beyond recognition- he goes from golden boy to gaslighter in the span of two movies. And despite all the action, the pace is an effervescent snail’s drag. I can’t decide if my idea of hell would be acting in the tent scene or having to watch it.
Next we have Breaking Dawn pt. 1. The great thing about this movie is that there was nothing they had to pace: nothing happens in this movie. Which makes it only marginally better than its predecessor. Bella and Edward have an emotionally constipated honeymoon filled with angst vampire couplings, resulting in a terrifying looking baby with an even more terrifying fate: having to attend high school with her parents until the end of time. A definite plus for some movie goers, and a minus for others is the gore during the birth scene. The body horror is an interesting and yet baffling twist for fans of the series which managed to scar a generation of would-be mothers.
Superseded by this is the long drawn out sequel. Breaking Dawn pt. 2 had an ending that sent me through the 5 stages of grief within a 4 minute period. Bella and Edward have to prove to the vampire presidents that their CGI daughter should exist because at this point, they’ve gone too far to take it back. This is so important that they enlist the help of the few werewolves that can still stand to be around Jacob, some racial stereotypes of Amazons, and the newest Avatar, Rami Malek, among others.
Now, picture a 12 year old me, counting down the minutes until this movie is over and knowing exactly what needs to happen to get me out of this stifling theatre and into the MN winter night, when Carlisle gets his head yanked right off. The only thing more distressing than that, is the fact vampires are basically made out of marble and it makes rock crunching noises when they’re killed. All of this is enough to send a preteen into hysterics and it does when you realize the fight scene that just broke your brain in half, wasn’t real. It should’ve given me trust issues, but honestly that’s the best plot twist in a movie I’ve ever seen. I could take or leave the rest of the movie, but taking an established ending and pivoting completely, causing irreplaceable emotional distress, only to turn out it’s not real, almost makes the ending stomachable.
I wouldn’t qualify this list as one that was hard to craft- there is a huge jump in quality between Breaking Dawn pt. 2 and our second place, Twilight. Aside from some tonal dissonance that would occur between the book and the movie, Twilight is an amazing adaptation of the book. So many of the directing and lense choices would go on to become iconic in their own right. Fans living through the renaissance have been charmed by the tiny details that would have only been produced with Catherine Hardwicke’s genius and commitment to the series. She also brought together a perfect cast to endure the rest of the series. As always, there are some pacing issues but that can be chalked up to the source material. My controversial opinion about Twilight is that it isn’t truly a good-bad movie. For casual viewers, there are those things that have been memed to death to laugh about, but they will soon be dissapointed as the goofs slowly dissipate towards the end of the viewing. For those who are truly invested in Twilight, however, the movie is nothing short of a masterpiece.
Which brings me to the best movie of the Twilight saga, New Moon. Though Director Chris Weitz would go onto trash talk the series, it’s clear to any viewer that he truly understood the source material. Complementing the blue lense from its predecessor, New Moon is colored with beautiful earth tones that gives the whole movie a comforting yet dull tinge. This perfectly encapsulated the mood for the movie that focuses on Bella’s depression when Edward leaves her, and Jacob’s comforting presence in his absence. Further showing that Weitz understood the assignment is the breathtaking scene that captures Bella’s depressive state: the camera circles a despondent K-Stew as the seasons change outside her window, but her dead expression never changes. A masterful soundtrack follows her in her journey back to life through escaping Victoria and becoming reunited with Edward. It’s a beautiful and heartfelt movie that manages to take Stephanie Meyer’s magnificent prose to screen. The casual viewer might be bored, but those true cinefiles will find only things to love from the Twilight saga’s crowning achievement.