Emily VanGorder – Reluctant Cat Person

Step aside, Pause for Paws, there’s a new pet-based form of relaxation hitting campus. Or at least there should be, given how much the administration claims to care about student’s mental health. I’m talking, of course, about turning the Courtyard Café into a cat café. With the disappearance of beloved campus cat Nemo, campus is again one species short in animal representation. It’s time we add some friendly, furry felines to the mix of humans, squirrels, and whatever the thing that lives in the Arb is.
Creating a cat café on campus is guaranteed to elevate the vibes of the Courtyard Café to astronomical levels and reduce student stress by 503%. Cats are ergonomically designed to fit in any workspace and around any obstacle. No matter how much you have on your metaphorical plate, cats will fit in, on, and around anything you have in your way to provide you with your God given right to serotonin.
Have you ever been asked out by someone you like? Gotten praise from a professor? Said something funny that made a bunch of people laugh?

All of these experiences mean nothing compared to the levels of joy that being accepted by a cat will provide. Knowing you’ve been tolerated by one of these picky, potentially evil overlords will make your damn week.

Students blessed with naturally high levels of serotonin and or the ability to secure a counseling center appointment can enjoy this cafe as well as the intended audience. This one goes out to my fellow stressed, pressed, and depressed Gusties who are spending way too much time freaking out about how the hell they’re going to make their lives count. Sit and relax for an hour or two with a lil creature who aren’t concerned with anything beyond where they’ll take their next nap.
The Courtyard Cat-fé would also give students the experience of being around animals without the responsibility of owning one, and might put a stop to the middle of the semester urge to buy and keep an illegal pet in your dorm room. Inhaling cat hair with every sip or bite would provide a serious boost to student’s failing immune systems now that masks are coming off and everyone is getting sick again. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
The only thing better than new baby smell? New kitten smell. Getting to be around kittens is much more sustainable than giving into baby fever and popping out your own little freeloader, and the resulting fallout is much less likely to start another cat spat between pro- and anti- choice groups on campus.
I am a lifelong dog person, but regardless of your pet preferences you can appreciate the relaxing atmosphere and top-notch aesthetic a cat café provides. Think of all the cat themed names we could give to café items: catpuccino, meow-cha, claw-ssoiant, and other tooth- rottingly sweet names that make everyone sound ridiculous when they order.
Cats are essentially more highly evolved college students. We are picky and volatile. We want to lie around in sunbeams for hours on end, get pets, and receive treats. Biologically, we share about 90% of our genes with the Abyssinian shorthair. It’s high time we embrace our catlike natures and welcome them to campus as equals. This isn’t just what the students want, it’s what we deserve. Help keep Gustavus from going into the proverbial litter box and support the Courtyard Cat-fé.