Jonas Doerr – Opinion Columnist

There is a hidden health crisis on the campus of Gustavus Adolphus College. Students and faculty are suffering, but no one even acknowledges the problem. Instead, people continue on in quiet misery.
What is this source of pain that lurks unspoken in the minds of most inhabitants of this college? It is the lack of bidets. Students are instead forced to use harsh, single-ply toilet paper for their hygienic needs.
Gustavus already tells students to “Make Your Life Count,” but if the college improves its restroom facilities our lives would count even more. In fact, students could unite under an even more inspiring slogan: “Bidetvus.” By showing thoughtfulness in attending to student health, Gustavus can earn unmatched loyalty from its grateful students.

Toilets at Gustavus are not filling the needs of students. Nowadays, college students expect to receive a bathroom experience comparable to their tuition expenses. Bidets replace toilet paper by attaching to a toilet seat and cleaning occupants with a stream of water. Requiring students to suffice on the pulp of dead trees will not be tolerated by students for much longer.
Sophomore Aiya Jorde is the leader of the Bidetvus movement on campus, and says the movement’s mission is “to inspire students to reach their full potential – one clean bum at a time.” She hopes that Gustavus will provide the best for its students by modernizing its restroom facilities and mentions how much of a bummer it would be if the college did not.
Other students are also suffering because of Gustavus’ reliance on toilet paper. Junior Studio Art major Elliott Schroeder claims, “There’s a dry bum epidemic on this campus and it can end with our generation.” He adds, “Let’s be honest, we all know that Gustavus is going downhill fast. What our collective buttocks need most is this watery blast.”
Aside from the pain, the lack of bidets can impact Gusties in other ways. Discomfort during class can cause Gusties to fidget and become irritable. Because of the subject matter, they cannot share the reason for their discomfort, so they are forced to squirm in silence.
This can cause lower information retention levels as well as a greater dislike for the classes the uncomfortable students are in. But none of this is due to poor teaching or subpar subject material; it is because of an easily fixed hygiene issue.
Installing this simple upgrade can help Gusties in numerous ways. Sophomore Aiya Jorde also states, “A clean butt is the way to a clear mind and headspace. The atmosphere of Gustavus will brighten once Bidets are implemented campus-wide. The confidence of each student will show on their brightly shining faces as they proudly walk knowing they’re stink-free and stain-free.”
Adding bidets to campus will help Gusties shine brighter by smiling more confidently and sitting more comfortably.
Men have long wondered why women often go to the restroom in groups. Wonder no longer: it is because they are scared of the toilet paper. One-ply paper’s scraping is a terrifying thing, and their fears are entirely justified. Implementing bidets at Gustavus will help ease this fear and give women the confidence to go alone.
Adding bidets to Gustavus restrooms will also dramatically improve our attractiveness to prospective students. Junior Elliott Schroeder says, “Prospective students nowadays are looking for something revolutionary. Something unique. Bidetvus is sure to give us the competitive edge over one-ply schools like St. Olaf.”
Think back to your own days choosing colleges. Obviously, you chose Gustavus for its many other merits despite the lack of bidets, but consider this scenario.
As nature calls, you enter a nearby restroom. Expecting typical industrial toilet paper, you are surprised to see none of any kind. Instead, the stall is equipped with a state-of-the-art bidet.You burst out the door with excitement, and then realize you did not wash your hands. After remedying that, you rush back outside to share how amazing the bidets at Gustavus are. That’s when you realize Bidetvus truly is the school for you.
Scholarships or academic success cannot have the same impact on prospective students that attention to amenities like bidets does. If a college can take care of students’ basic needs, how much more can it take care of their intellectual necessities?
Bidets will also help strengthen the community Gustavus is known for. Typically, a bathroom experience is not a conversation starter, unless something extraordinary takes place. When students use bidets, however, they will bond over their shared experiences.
A typical conversation post-bidet installation might go: “Have you heard how good the bidet is on the third floor of Beck?” “No, I’m a little nervous to try bidets.” “You should definitely try this one. It’ll flush all your fears away.”
Gustavus has the opportunity to be a national leader in the hygienic movement to install bidets in campus restrooms. Let us unite towards our common cause under the slogan “Bidetvus.” By installing bidets in our campus restrooms, Gustavus can wipe students’ discomfort away.