Cadence Paramore – Co-Editor-in-Chief

Has anyone else read the anonymous words of Gustavus’s very own pandemic Chronicalist? The artist who produced this zine? I missed their first volume, and for that I am incredibly devastated. If you missed it, too, make sure you don’t miss this one– I noticed it’s arrival (just a handful of copies) on the empty Weekly newspaper stand across from the post office in our very own Campus Center.
“Quaranzine Vol. 2” is an incredibly compelling, emotional, and accurate account of what we have all been living through– history. And as the author says, “How much history can a person bear to live through?”
Maybe you’re like me, and up until reading this have been suppressing the fear and fatigue into that special place where complex things go; because what else can you do? It’s exhausting enough– living, going to college, “figuring it all out”– without MORE atop it all. Without a deadly virus eradicating “normal.”
We didn’t realize just how good we had it until it was destroyed, and now we can never get it back.
So where do we go from here?
Our Campus Chronicalist got vulnerable for us so we can, too. So that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
I cried reading their lovely, relatable words: “maybe this is a dream maybe this is forever maybe this is our last chance maybe I’m just so tired,” “We have the power to make each other . . . and I have been unmade,” “I JUST CAN’T CARE ANYMORE (actually I care about everything, intensely, all of the time).” Their outcries of “This is still a pandemic” and frustration at campus and people who are pretending life is somehow “normal” again are all too real for many of us. At least, for me too.
I’m depleted from taking on schoolwork and job work on top of the emotional work it takes just to get out of bed in the morning and dress in a disguise of hopefulness and energy. I am not hopeful, not about this. I have nothing left to give. My tank is empty. Don’t you understand? WILL you understand– Reader, neighbor, professor, administrator, stranger?
I can’t read that book and discuss it like it’s more important than my sanity. I can’t debate the best way to handle climate change when my brain is already debating how to find the easiest way to just show up for class. I can’t learn a new language or a sport when I am already full from learning new ways to navigate our new “normal.” I can’t. I’m all full up. I’m all emptied out.

“I missed their first volume, and for that I am incredibly devastated. If you missed it, too, make sure you don’t miss this one”

And I can’t just “drop out” or “take a semester off” or quit my jobs when they’re the only things giving me a reason to get out of bed and providing me some semblance, some ghost of “hope” for the future.
Too many people died for you not to care. Too many people made too many sacrifices for you to party and vacation like nothing has changed. EVERYTHING has changed, whether you’ve accepted it yet or not.

“Maybe you’re like me, and up until reading this have been suppressing the fear and fatigue into that special place where complex things go; because what else can you do? It’s exhausting enough– living, going to college, “figuring it all out”– without MORE atop it all. Without a deadly virus eradicating “normal.”

I wash my hands until they’re raw after touching anything that someone else may have come in contact with. My heart pounds whenever someone comes close to me. It’s taken everything in me to allow myself not to feel guilty about things I need to do just to SURVIVE– get food, show up for class, pull my mask down to take a sip of water when I’m choking on my own spit, see my boyfriend.
And yet the boys down the hall will walk around unmasked, or masks pulled below their noses. And yet the person behind me in class can eat and cough without a mask. And yet the girls I follow on snapchat can go to bars. And yet another person from class can travel to Costa Rica and be back in time for classes to start.
I’m exhausted. Aren’t you?
And the thing is, I don’t care if this doesn’t directly affect you. I don’t care if you’re double vaccinated with a booster and no one you know is high risk. I don’t care if YOU don’t care, because there are people that do. That it HAS affected. That it STILL affects.
I won’t tell you to be better if you don’t care, but if you do care– it’s okay. It’s okay to feel how you’re feeling– confused, frustrated, afraid, exhausted, angry. It’s okay if you’re barely running on 1% and giving all that you can give. It’s enough. You’re enough.
Our world is really effed up right now and none of us know if it will ever get better. So be extra kind to yourself.
“I am a ‘good student.’ I am also ‘cautious about COVID.’ Can I still be both . . .?”
Put the book down. Go to sleep. Watch that show instead of finishing that assignment.
I know it’s hard, I know the proper “grieving period” has passed and we’re all expected to function per-usual again, but it’s okay if you can’t.
After all, “We’re still in a pandemic.”
So if you care, keep caring. Keep feeling and creating. Our Campus Chronicalist has shown us that none of us are alone in this.