I’m just going to go out there and say it. I hate myself. Before anyone makes a lofty assumption, please continue reading because I’ll explain why I hate myself and why it is okay. But yes, it’s true. I think I genuinely hate myself. Not only because I’m writing this in a Google Doc where I might accidentally share this with my professor, or even worse, my mom, but because I am constantly reminded that I am not good enough. 

Despite the torrent of the self-love movement, I cannot help but be critical of myself. I walk around campus–it is so tempting for me to not say “like an idiot”–thinking about how I shouldn’t have talked so much in class or that I should’ve talked more. Or why did I say that really dumb thing to that person I was talking to? 

I feel like I am constantly tearing myself apart, but if Gustavus has taught me to do anything, it is to think critically. And, in this case, I will be thinking critically about my own critical thinking. So why do I feel this way? I know I am not alone in this thought. Many Gustavus students express the feeling of Imposter Syndrome– the feeling of inadequacy despite success–or simply chronic self doubt. 

I have chronic self doubt, if it hasn’t been made evident by my overly dramatic introduction. But to dig deeper, why do I, why do we, as students, feel this way? The Harvard Business Review claims that Imposter Syndrome is most prevalent in women and academics, perhaps because of a particular ideal that women are systematically trained to uphold or perhaps because of the rigorous nature of constantly having the think of “the next big thing” as academics. No matter where the societal pressure originates, I am an expert on one thing. I know that it does not feel good.   

So how do we move forward from hating ourselves? First I would like to suggest that it is okay to have self doubt. Thinking critically keeps our actions in check, and self awareness is the best way to learn from our mistakes. As we think critically of ourselves, we strive to be our best self. This is something I try to do everyday, but, of course, we occasionally fail. Again, we must accept that failure is okay. 

It is the chronic part of the self doubt we must address. It’s easier said than done to not compare ourselves to others, but I hope that we can trust in ourselves that we will achieve our best self. Furthermore, achieving one’s best self doesn’t mean having a 4.0 or the most prestigious position at work; it simply means that we are trying to be the best human being we can be. 

It takes practice, but if we’re already going to be hard on ourselves to be better, we might as well be hard on being better toward others. 

Additionally, I want to stress that it is okay to not be okay. There is so much pressure to be happy and I really want to criticize that. Being sad or blue should be destigmatized. It is unrealistic to be joyous at all moments simply because life is hard, and we all face our challenges. Getting help when we need it is absolutely okay. 

Perhaps you know all this and you regret spending your time reading the college newspaper when you should’ve been out donating blood and saving puppies, but I still hate myself, and you can’t think anything bad about this article that I haven’t already thought of. 

But I do think my point is valid. It is okay to hate yourself, or, more eloquently, it is okay to have that chronic self doubt because we are human and we are not perfect. I mainly want to remind ourselves it is okay to feel how we feel, and, in that, we should strive to be our best selves. 

And if we cannot depart from the fact that we hate ourselves or that we do not belong where we belong, we must trust that we can overcome feelings of self doubt and achieve self actualization by simply trying our best. So, go ahead, hate yourself, just know that you are not alone in what you’re going through because as I am growing into the person I am meant to be, I will accept a little bit of self hatred. It is simply part of the process.