The Gustavian Weekly

The Forth Crown Issue 19 | The Gustavian Weekly

By The Fourth Crown | March 20, 2015 | Calendar


The content of this page as satirical in nature and in no way reflects the views of The Gustavian Weekly, Gustavus ,or its faculty, students, or administrators. The Fourth Crown is not intended for readers under the age of 18

Lent going predictably poorly for college sophomore

SAINT PETER—A few weeks into the forty day period of Lent, Sophomore Jack Harper’s goal of forgoing alcohol consumption is going poorly. This development comes as no surprise to sources close to Harper. Students and staff alike held very low expectations for Harper going into this period of the church’s liturgical calendar. Early reports have indicated that Harper has fallen off  his goal four to five times already, but is continuing to try and salvage some sort of dignity during this most holy of times.

“Jack is really giving it his best shot,” said his roommate Sophomore Tim Wallace,“but by that, I mean that he is literally taking shots of his best alcohol every weekend and Wednesday. I guess he didn’t actually drink on Ash Wednesday, but since then he has been extremely consistent in drinking on a normal college student’s schedule.”

Harper’s success during this time has only been reported by his girlfriend, Jamie Martin.

“Jack sure is doing a great job of not drinking. A couple weeks ago he said no to mojito Monday. That is, like, our thing. We promised that we would always have mojito Monday, no matter how bad things got in our relationship. He must really love God if he gave up on mojito Monday night for Him. Maybe he loves God more than he loves me…” Martin said.

Harper, a frequent acquaintance of the campus safety violation report, has not seen a statistical decrease in his violations. Across the first semester Harper averaged 1.5 violations per week. During Lent, Harper has averaged 1.4 violations per week, a slight improvement, but not a statistically relevant one.

“Oh, Jack gave up drinking for Lent? I didn’t know that,” said Campus Safety Officer Tom Johnson. “I busted him just last week, and I’m pretty sure Carol got him this weekend. I’m glad that he is thinking about giving it up though. He cannot be consuming a healthy amount for a kid of his age.”

Harper himself confessed that he has struggled with his lenten pursuit.

“Yeah, it has been rough, man. Maybe I got a problem. The pressure just gets to me really easy, you know. I just start thinking about all the good times I’ve had drinking and then I want to drink. Other times I think about all the bad times I’ve had drinking and then I have to drink to forget about them.

“I’m not just doing this to myself either, society does it to me. You ever see one of those Bud Light commercials. You know, the one with the puppy who runs away and then like takes a train into the ghetto and gets caught in the middle of a drug dispute, then the big Budweiser horses come save him and things end happy? How do I not drink after a riveting story like that. I would practically be saying that I hate puppies. Man, all this talking makes me really want to…”

Harper was unable to continue his monologue due to him getting up, grabbing a drink and going out to a party.

The Patron Saint Peter offered his insight on the issue of Harper’s drinking.

“Thou hath not seen such a pitiful sight as one James Harper on the eves of the weekend. Harper is truly blessed with an incredible tolerance, but the misuse of one’s gifts to harm one’s body is a sin unto the self and the Father…That being said,I did have $20 dollars on him not making it a week, so I do have to thank him for that.”   

Gustie Gossip: Beck throws exclusive cocktail party, ConVic offended

SAINT PETER— After hearing offhand from Jackson Campus Center on Monday about the cocktail party Beck threw on Friday night, ConVic is very pessimistic about the future of their friendship.

“It just hurts you know?,” said ConVic through teary eyes, “I was Beck’s first friend when she transferred from St. Thomas and now that we graduated and she got a high paying job she’s just a different person.”

The former best friends began drifting after graduation when Beck got a well-paying analyst job at Best Buy and began spending more time around co-workers, going to various company benefits and touring breweries in their spare time.

Meanwhile, after her internship with a Mankato publishing company failed to translate into a job after graduation, ConVic moved back with her parents in Richfield and is currently bartending at the local Chile’s on weeknights while writing short stories in her spare time.

Beck still loves ConVic “like a sister,” but admits that they have simply grown apart since college ended.

“I mean, what does she want from me? Do I miss wine Wednesdays and bouncing around our dorm room singing Haim? Absolutely.

“But that was college and I’m an adult now. I have to think about my future and spend time around people with ambition. When we grow up, us buildings just have to burn some bridges for our own good.”

Upon hearing news of Beck’s cocktail party, to which various successful Uptown-residing alumni were invited to, ConVic called Beck a “superficial slut” and proceeded to attend a gathering with Nobel and Olin, where ConVic reportedly felt “a little out of place.”

Olin weighed in on the issue shortly after finding out about the incident,

“Look, Beck and ConVic are two different birds. Their unlikely friendship has already far outlived my initial calculations. Beck is a physically attractive social butterfly and Conny is a quirky introvert, they both love the theory of them being friends, but it just really isn’t a realistic scenario anymore.”

When asked if they had comments regarding the recent drama between the longtime friends, Gustavus alum Stephen Kaminsk responded, “What the hell are you talking about? You mean the buildings? What’s wrong with you?”

-The Fourth Crown