* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but transcript of the first draft of Harry Potter’s acceptance letter to Gustavus. They were nervous.
Friday, May 2
Celebration of Creative Inquiry: St. Peter Room 5 p.m.
This celebration’s decorations will be the left over balloons from Divest-Fest.
Bollywood Workshop: Lund 224 6 p.m.
Next week’s Hollywood Workshop is an exercise of being an ass@#%$ to others.
Weekend Movie: American Hustle: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I think this is the movie where Batman and Katniss save a guy with a hangover from Giselle.
Saturday, May 3
Take the Hill Triathalon: Gustavus Campus 9 a.m.
Walking up the hill to class is enough of an accomplishment.
Festival of Nations: Xcel Center 9 a.m.
I wonder what the other nations think of Joffrey’s death.
Weekend Movie: American Hustle: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
The only thing larger than Jennifer Lawrence’s starpower right now is her hair in this movie.
Sunday, May 4
Weekend Movies: American Hustle: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Canadian Hustle isn’t that much different than this one except maybe a little bit more kind.
Paul Magnuson Leadership & Service Award Banquet: President’s Home 5 p.m.
I’m calling a sweep for Gravity.
Night of Distinction: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
If given half the chance, I will Kanye West the s@#$ out of this award ceremony.
Monday, May 5
Six Appeal: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
Would it have been that difficult to start it an hour earlier for good measure?
Tuesday, May 6
Senior Class Event: Apps and Advice in Alumni: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
At what point do they just get to the point and ask us for money?
Wednesday, May 7
Paint-a-Pot with Family Three: Johns Family Courtyard 6 p.m.
Light-a-Pot will be held at the same time in the depths of the Arb.
Swing Dancing: Alumni Hall 9 p.m.
ARE THEY PUTTING UP A SWINGSET IN ALUMNI?
Thursday, May 8
Student Video Art Screening: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I’m just waiting for someone to show their story on Snapchat and call it art.
Cru: The Dive 8:30 p.m.
Is this the main character from Despicable Me?
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Did most of the MIAC have a competition to come up with the least inventive team mascot names?
Taurus: Announcement of Star Wars = collective nerdgasm
Gemini: If you aren’t caught up with Game of Thrones, I hope you didn’t read the Festival of Nations entry.
Cancer: I am really starting to believe that Justin Bieber is turning around his life.
Leo: OR SHOULD I SAY BELIEBE?
Virgo: I’ve been tempted to start building an ark with all of the rain last week.
Libra: There’s going to be a Mrs. Doubtfire sequel? Whose house does Robin Williams need to break into now?
Scorpio: Avril and Nickelback Chad have got to be f@#$ing with us with her latest song. They’ve got to.
Sagittarius: MySpace’s strategy is to sit and wait for everyone to get sick of all the Facebook event invites that come at the end of the semester and come crawling back.
Capricorn: I’ll be taking donations to help me buy the Clippers. Send cash and checks to me via the POs.
Aquarius: Were the Nordic Skiing protesters at Divest-Fest suggesting that as an alternative for cars?
Pisces: Come back next week for my last issue. Laugh until you cry. Or just cry.