The almighty scourge of Gustavus, known as The Fourth Crown, has infested our campus and polluted the minds of our Gustie populace.

The evil mastermind and primary instigator behind this attempted aggression on literary integrity is Sam Panzer, sophomore history major at Gustavus and fraudulent journalist.

Panzer and his associates have waged a declaration of war against the virtuous spirit of just publication, The Gustavian Weekly, with the hopes that their satirical excuse for journalism will take away student support of the original publication. Their attempt to undermine all we hold dear as legitimate journalists is a gross insult to our work, our editorial dedication, and our ultimate purpose to inform the Gustavus community. This story endeavors to expose the truth and turn the tide in this struggle of genuine publication versus a mediocre attempt at news publication.

Mr. Panzer has been deemed as a sort of genius for his publication, along with his friends and co-founders, Nate Long and Justin Feit. Upon viewing the news team on The Fourth Crown’s website, one can see Panzer has the supposed credentials of being a former law professor at Columbia University in New York. What is not told, however, is Sam Panzer’s true history and identity or that of his partners in crime.

A close acquaintance to Sam had several startling revelations to tell after a short interview, one in which he begged not to be identified for fear of his life. From our source, we learned that Columbia University is code word for Metropolis, and a law professor means a writer for the major publication in the area, The Daily Planet.

The most startling revelation, though, would be the verified fact that Sam Panzer was actually known by another name during his time at “Columbia University.” Upon looking through thrown out tax information, our source certified that Mr. Panzer was identified in Metropolis as Clark Kent! Furthermore, he took his associates Long and Feit along with him to help cover his tracks.

Under evident stress and coercion, our source further verified that after gaining hold of Mr. Kent’s (now known as Sam Panzer) personal journal, he has fled Metropolis to avoid detection by his arch nemesis, Lex Luthor.

In addition, Panzer, Long, and Feit seek to overthrow the original source of Gustavian news, the Weekly, by creating their own publication with juicy gossip and eye catching headlines concerning the going ons around campus. Their tactics have unfortunately been working: students continuously can be seen scanning articles on The Fourth Crown’s website or liking shared articles by friends on Facebook.

Sitting back and chain-smoking Marlboro Southern Cuts, Panzer, Long, and Feit are assuredly grinning maniacally as their sinister machinations come to fruition.

In order for us at the Weekly to reclaim our position as the most highly respected publication at Gustavus Adolphus College, we ask you, our readers, to express your support by taking our newspapers upon their distribution and perusing them thoroughly. We love to be asked for autographs, and it brought a tear to my eye when one of my dedicated readers brought a framed issue begging me to sign it for her.

In addition, you must boycott The Fourth Crown at all costs! End you’re searching of its blasphemous contents! Stop liking your brainwashed friends shared links to the literary garbage! The integrity of our blessed Weekly depends upon your support and efforts to terminate this outrageous attack upon an essential part of our Gustavus culture.

We leave it to you, our readers, to put an end to The Fourth Crown’s heinous marring of our beloved tradition of genuine journalism. The fate of The Gustavian Weekly, and our careers, is in your hands.

We trust that no matter the struggle or the backlash, we shall see a slow yet steady decline in the outreach of the poison known as The Fourth Crown. Clark Kent will be forced to accept his role as Superman and face Lex Luthor; not hide out at a small, private, liberal arts college in St. Peter, Minn. with the help of his friends. In the name of humanity, and your country, put an end to Superman’s neurotic impulse to take over our illustrious position as your primary providers for all things newsworthy around Gustavus Adolphus College.