* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the only information that was leaked in the Apple security breach. Pretty scary, I know.
Friday, Feb. 28
Faculty Meeting: Alumni Hall 2:30 p.m.
Now that Ohle’s on the way out, what do they even talk about?
Faculty Shop Talk: Interpretive Center 4:30 p.m.
The biology professors need a hand changin’ out the carburetor.
Bach & Jazz: The Bach Society of Minnesota: Bjorling Recital Hall 7:30 p.m.
Bach played a mean saxophone.
Weekend Movie: Gravity: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Alternate title: Your Bad Day at Work Was NOTHING.
Hair: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
Coming soon is the establishment’s response, Nair.
Saturday, Feb. 1
Weekend Movie: Gravity: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Childhood me was a f@#$ing idiot for wanting to be an astronaut.
Hair: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
My allergies can’t handle the sheer amount of flower power in this play.
Sunday, Feb. 2
Weekend Movie: Gravity: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
That’s why NASA was shut down. WHO NEEDS TO GO TO SPACE WHEN THE POWER OF 3-D ALREADY DOES???
Hair: Anderson Theatre 2 p.m.
Ohle is PISSED about a play making fun of his lack of hair.
Monday, Feb. 3
Exploring Religious Questions: Olin 103 7 p.m.
Like, “Moses parted the Red Sea, but did he part his hair?
Gallery Talk by Dr. Jennifer L. Streb: Hillstrom Museum 7:30 p.m.
I hope she can explain what the f@#$ the Granlund sculptures mean.
Wednesday, Feb. 5
Blood Drive: Alumni Hall All Day
YOU’RE ONLY MAKING THIS EASIER FOR THE VAMPIRES.
Gustavus Health Professionals Fair: Heritage and St. Peter Rooms 11:30 a.m.
Surprisingly enough, there will be some first-year pre-med students that still exist.
Thursday, Feb. 6
Blood Drive: Alumni Hall All Day
Sorry about that last Blood Drive entry. I was busy burning every copy of the Twilight Saga to help future generations.
New Faculty Orientation Session: St. Peter Room 12:30 p.m.
Aren’t they cutting their jobs anyway?
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Now that the Olympics are done, there is a gold-medal-sized hole in my heart.
Taurus: If we give Bono an Oscar on Sunday, can he just disappear already?
Gemini: At what point does Jay Leno f@#$ over Jimmy Fallon, too?
Cancer: I blame the Apple security breach on whoever stole those MacBooks from the library—MAC THE RIPPER.
Leo: The most unbelievable part about the future in Her is guys wearing mustaches and high-wasted pants without being ironic.
Virgo: Vladimir Putin almost smiled during the Olympics!!!
Libra: No Justin Bieber in the news lately? I Beliebe he turned it around.
Scorpio: The Canadian hockey teams have sapped the American spirit the hardest since the British started taxing tea and tobacco.
Sagittarius: A collective tear was shed after seniors received their “100 Days Until Graduation” letter in the mail.
Capricorn: The fact that you haven’t transferred after this hellish winter is something to be proud of . . . or ashamed.
Aquarius: If MTV’s Yo Momma was enough to keep Wilmer Valderrama off the streets, we shouldn’t have let it go off the air.
Pisces: With short-track speedskating, we come as close as we ever will to real life Mario Kart.