* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The Gustavian Weekly, and they aren’t paid for by Jason Derulo despite what you might infer from the horoscopes.
Friday, Nov. 1
Anderson Theatre Presents “Trojan Barbie”: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
Glamorous pink Trojan horse sold separately.
Weekend Movie: We’re the Millers: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I’m surprised they didn’t “weed” this movie out of the bunch.
Saturday, Nov. 2
Athletics Hall of Fame Reception & Banquet: Student Union & Alumni Hall 5 & 6 p.m.
I better get some recognition for my heroic performance at the Gustie Cup.
Anderson Theatre Presents “Trojan Barbie”: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
Trojan Ken never made it to Homer’s final draft of The Iliad.
Weekend Movie: We’re the Millers: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I hope you’re happy with all of your movie money, Jason Sudeikis. It’s not like SNL even misses you . . .
Sunday, Nov. 3
Anderson Theatre Presents “Trojan Barbie”: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.
The Trojan Barbie was always Achilles’ favorite doll.
Weekend Movie: We’re the Millers: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Hey, Juan Ponce de Leon, we found the fountain of youth. Jennifer Aniston had it the whole time.
Tuesday, Nov. 5
Russian Tea: Phi Beta Kappa Room 4 p.m.
Don’t forget that there is honey to Putin your tea.
Wednesday, Nov. 6
Retirewise Workshop: St. Peter Banquet Room 5 p.m.
I DON’T EVEN HAVE A JOB YET, AND YOU THINK YOU CAN HAVE A RETIREMENT WORKSHOP, GUSTAVUS?
Prepare Bible Study: The Dive 7:30 p.m.
Get ready to break some bread-y.
Nelly’s Echo Conference: Courtyard Café 8 p.m.
It’s basically just someone’s iPod playing “Hot in Herre” on repeat.
Thursday, Nov. 7
Al Franken Pizza Party: Faculty and Staff Room 3 p.m.
The weirdest themed birthday pizza party ever.
Cru Bible Study: The Dive 9 p.m.
And a mere 26 hours later, first-years will grind all of the good religious vibes out of The Dive.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: Jason Derulo is back on the CAB concert list. Not even a broken neck can hold him down!
Taurus: When I heard Jason Derulo was on the ballot, I ran at breakneck speed to vote for him.
Gemini: Have we heard poetry as beautiful as the lyrics to “Ridin’ Solo”? Not since Keats we haven’t.
Cancer: When Jason finally makes it to campus against all odds, imagine how thunderous and triumphant his “JASON DERULO!” will be.
Leo: We better keep Gavin as a backup.
Virgo; Jason Derulo is a beautiful phoenix rising from the ashes.
Libra: Did you hear that Jason Derulo went platinum? That’s what the screws holding his vertebrae together are made of.
Scorpio: Would it be weird if I wrapped Jason Derulo in bubble wrap to preserve him for the concert?
Sagittarius: I’m willing to risk my neck out there with all of the Timeflies fans on this campus.
Capricorn: Who even cares about all the Nobel Laureates that come to campus? Do they have a Teen Choice Award like Jason Derulo?
Aquarius: “Watcha Say”? You aren’t voting for Jason Derulo? THEN GET THE HELL OFF MY CAMPUS.
Pisces: Honestly, I’d be afraid to deny Jason Derulo a concert here. He is a cyborg. . .