* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the lyrics to Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me.” Nobody knows what the hell he’s saying.
Friday, Sept. 27
Homecoming: Pep Fest: Lund Forum 6 p.m.
Not to be confused with Big Hill Farm’s annual jalapeño showcase.
Homecoming: The Pizza-Off: Lund Forum 6:30 p.m.
Whoever hands out more coupons will inevitably get my vote.
Weekend Movie: White House Down: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
Also a term for one of the president’s ragers.
Homecoming: Laser/Light Show: Lund Arena 8:30 p.m.
THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, EDISON!
Homecoming: LaserTag: Hollingsworth Field 10 p.m.
With all of those lasers, bring some cats in here for this and then let the games begin.
Satruday, Sept. 28
Gustavus Young Alumni Frost-Your-Owns: Alumni Tent 12 p.m.
Frost-your-owns are the only method Gustavus knows when seeking alumni donations.
Campus Tour: Admission Office 4:30 p.m.
Just in case you haven’t decided that you are going here.
Weekend Movie: White House Down: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
I’m ready for the British remake, Buckingham Palace Down.
Homecoming: Glow Rave: Alumni Tent 8:30 p.m.
Is there a neon theme for Homecoming this year or something?
Homecoming: Laser Tag: Hollingsworth Field 9 p.m.
An event so nice, they are doing it twice.
Sunday, Sept. 29
Weekend Movie: White House Down: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
This is just a documentary about the basement of the White House, right?
Monday, Sept. 30
Obesity Struggle Among Alaska Natives: Olin 103 7 p.m.
Alaska is adding fuel to the fire of their rivalry with Texas as to which is the “bigger” state.
Tuesday, Oct. 1
The Nobel Conference Concert: DARK ENERGY: Christ Chapel 8 p.m.
And Nobel just took the coolest potential band name off the list . . .
Wednesday, Oct. 2
Insanity: Lund 224 5 p.m.
No workout this week. Just a viewing of The Shining.
Thursday, Oct. 3
The Roots of Bluegrass: The Rose Ensemble in Concert: Christ Chapel 7 p.m.
There are going to be some really disappointed Kentucky botanists that show up to this.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: The president doesn’t Obamacare what Republicans have to say about healthcare.
Taurus: When am I going to learn something valuable in college like how much water to use when making Ramen?
Gemini: The safest way to do the Running of the Bulls would be to taunt them by waving steaks in their faces.
Cancer: The greatest sorrow of Homecoming Week is getting snubbed by the Cash Cab. You don’t forget that hurt.
Leo: Forget the columbarium, we all want a Cherry Berry in Saint Peter as we were promised!
Virgo: That flu shot is bringing you one step closer to IMMORTALITY.
Libra: Sure, it’s fun now, but the pumpkin dessert invasion in the Caf will haunt us for months.
Scorpio: The bald eagle is quite sick of your insinuations that it should use Rogaine.
Sagittarius: This Halloween is the perfect time to finally break out your sexy Darth Vader costume.
Capricorn: Remember when Miley Cyrus’ biggest concern was the realization that it was not in fact a Nashville party?
Aquarius: If you could go back in time and change one thing, it would be your fantasy football line-up, wouldn’t it?
Pisces: Any professor who doesn’t give me a day off to cope with the end of Breaking Bad doesn’t care about me or my education.