* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the introduction to the textbook you didn’t buy. Read up, there is a quiz on Monday.
Friday, Sept. 20
Gustavian Weekly Opinion Columnist Applications Due
Opinion Editor Kristina Ericksen is holding me at gunpoint to write this one.
Society of Gustavus Geologists Fall Grill-Out: Johns Family Courtyard 2:30 p.m.
Their burgers are going to rock. LAWLZ.
Weekend Movie: Iron Man 3: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
At what point does Iron Man rust?
Saturday, Sept. 21
Dueling Pianos: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.
This really should have been scheduled for high noon.
Weekend Movie: Iron Man 3: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
One comic book snob called this film MARVELous.
LineUs Show: The Caf 9 p.m.
It’s being held in the Caf as an elaborate ploy to get Deb to audition.
Sunday, Sept. 22
Weekend Movie: Iron Man 3: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
They had to shoot miles of film. Robert Downey Jr.’s head is just too big to fit into most shots.
Monday, Sept. 23
Homecoming: Window Painting: The Caf 6 p.m.
Not to be confused with the really insensitive event, Widow Painting.
Tuesday, Sept. 24
Careers Possible: Employer Info Day: Banquet Rooms 10:30 a.m.
Try telling last year’s graduates. I DARE YOU.
Butts and Gutts: Lund 217 7 p.m.
Somebody didn’t use spellcheck with their event title . . .
Wednesday, Sept. 25
Insanity: Lund 224 5 p.m.
Lund 224? I thought Insanity was held on the south side of town.
Prepare Bible Study: The Dive 7:30 p.m.
See the event. See the location. See the irony.
Thursday, Sept. 26
New Faculty Orientation Session: St. Peter Room 12:30 p.m.
The faculty is notorious for isolating and making fun of the new kids.
Cru Bible Study: The Dive 9 p.m.
It’s not a real bible study if Casey Elledge’s sweet, Southern voice isn’t leading it.
Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes
Aries: If Apple’s iOS 7 is the change Barack Obama alluded to, then I need to go back in time and change my votes.
Taurus: Have fraternities and sororities felt the sting of the Greek economic crisis yet?
Gemini: Given her wardrobe lately, Miley Cyrus must be saving a ton of money on laundry detergent.
Cancer: The only crime Grand Theft Auto causes is breaking into your friend’s room to play it.
Leo: The Emmys is the child who lives at home through their thirties of the award show family.
Virgo: Still waiting on that letter from Hogwarts . . .
Libra: The government’s debt to China could easily be paid using first-years’ extra Caf money.
Scorpio: The football team should just quit now and have an undefeated season on the record.
Sagittarius: I haven’t been guilted over social issues yet this year. Get it together, Gusties.
Capricorn: Ohle might have said he is retiring, but he has also been called the Brett Favre of college presidents, so we’ll see.
Aquarius: What is it going to take for a Nirvana reunion?
Pisces: I can totally relate with Tori Murden McClure. I once went kayaking on a lake . . . without a life jacket, too.