My friends of the campus: I am, with a grave and heavy heart, about to embark on my final article for The GusTavian Weekly.
As is custom, I am encouraged to release my best wisdom to all ya’ll Gustie folk. Well, I’m a ditz. Any wisdom I could ever impart onto my community of roughly six loyal readers has likely been mentioned in the other opinion articles, or on Pinterest. Thus, in the struggle to promote any sort of readable prose I will present some of my favorite things to all of you, in hopes that I can share some gold.
The first is a poem by Kyle Edelbrock entitled, “Remember George Washington Carver, Not The President George Washington, But The Other George Washington—RIP George Washington Carver.”
Crunch, crunch
Crunch, crunch
Goes the crunchy peanut butter.
Crunchity crunch crunch Crunch crunch crunch
Goes the super crunchy peanut butter.
I like your dress. I’ll pick you up at eight.
Goes the smooth peanut butter.
Also to all those that have lived their lives without some of the best lessons I’ve learned from a novel written by the late John Kennedy Toole, I say to you, “Run, sprint, gallop to the nearest bookstore, online kindle shop, or library and obtain A Confederacy of Dunces.
Yes, all of you read this book. For within the depths of the com- plex main character, Ignatius, you will learn how to properly live your life. Toole’s story be- gins with an epigraph, “When a true genius appears in the world, you will know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in a confederacy against him”
Learn from this book, it has much to offer.
And finally, to sign off, I leave with the words of the great George Feeny, in the hopes that all the brave souls at this institution will live long prosperous lives, and remember that life les- sons are only a television series away. “I love you all. Class dismissed.”