Calendar (5/10/13)

The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the words on the Rosetta Stone. Language scholars were really bummed when this was all it said.

Friday, May 10

Dances of Universal Peace: Heritage Room 6:30 p.m.

It’s a reenactment of when the French, German, British, and American soldiers did the Macarena together on Armistice Day at the end of World War I.

Anderson Theatre Presents Machinal: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.

How the f*** do you say it, though?

Weekend Movie: Safe Haven: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

But has anyone actually heard of this movie?

Weekend Movie: Safe Haven: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

Let the Nicholas Sparks fly!

Saturday, May 11

Insects in the Arboretum: Interpretive Center 10 a.m.

They’ll have the best of the pest!

Anderson Theatre Presents Machinal: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.

I hear one of the characters is in for a really big shock in this play.

Sunday, May 12

Vesak Day Celebration: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.

It’s Buddha’s 161st sweet sixteen!

Anderson Theatre Presents Machinal: Anderson Theatre 2 p.m.

Next semester’s play about levers and pulleys, Simple Machinal, is sure to be a hit.

Weekend Movie: Safe Haven: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

This movie couldn’t even get any MTV Movie Awards …

Tuesday, May 14

Moodle 2.4 Basics: Culpeper Language Center 2:30 p.m.

Maybe this will help the old profs with their technology woes.

Children, the Qur’an, and Contemporary Islam: Screening of Koran By Heart: Confer 128 7 p.m.

I don’t even know my whole phone number by heart.

Wednesday, May 15

Prepare Bible Study: The Dive 7:30 p.m.

This week’s dilemma: Do they “Passover” the Old Testament?

Thursday, May 16

Laughter Yoga … You Gotta Try This!: Lund 217 8 p.m.

People get enough of a workout from laughing at all of the calendar’s jokes, thank you very much.

Feit-sty Not Really Horoscopes

Aries: The folks at Golden Corral treat Warren Buffet like a billionaire.

Taurus: The end is nigh: Dennis Rodman is a top U.S. diplomat.

Gemini: Allergies are the common cold’s revenge on season variation.

Cancer: Dr. Pepper seems like it only has one flavor.

Leo: Leaving for the summer will be about as disappointing as the new The Great Gatsby movie will.

Virgo: Benjamin Gazi is really regretting the decision to go by Ben Gazi for short.

Libra: AOL is like that person in your class who hasn’t shown up for so long you forget they even exist.

Scorpio: The stars’ alignment suggest major changes in your life … There’s your f***ing real horoscope this year.

Sagittarius: The Washington Wizards are probably Hufflepuffs.

Capricorn: The nice weather is a start, but Mother Nature better bring me some flowers if I’m going to forgive her.

Aquarius: It’s been a lot of fun being the Calendar Editor. I’ll miss y’all …

Pisces: Just kidding! You’re stuck with me for another year.