Mother Nature caught with possession of illegal substances

Sources confirmed Tuesday that a number of illicit narcotics were, in fact, administered to Mother Nature and that she will be answering for her more than questionable behavior in recent weeks.

While it has not yet been released to the general public exactly what substances Mother Nature has been ingesting, locals have their suspicions.

“If you ask me, I say it’s speed. Why? Just makes you crazy, don’t know up from down. She probably hit up and couldn’t stop running around, then wanted to cool everything down,” Frank Catton, resident of St. Peter, said.

Other citizens are not so accepting of Mother Nature’s bipolar attitudes and decided instead to protest, starting riots and wielding banners brandishing phrases like, “Down with Mother Nature,” “F*ck this!” and “Where is spring?”

When pressed for further explanations, many sobriety advocates simply crossed their arms, rolled their eyes and said,  “You just don’t get it, it’s April.”

In attempt to answer for her crimes, Mother Nature’s executive board hosted an open press conference. Mother Nature herself sat with the board and spoke for herself numerous times, apologizing profusely.

“So I was going through a tough time in my life. I was vulnerable, innocent; I didn’t know where to turn. The drugs, they just made me feel alive, you know?” Mother Nature paused while a member of the board handed her his handkerchief. “I’m sorry, okay? I am.”

While a humble apology and a sincere promise to pump up the heat seemed enough to satisfy most, a few reluctant advocates remain fixed against her. Even though she has finally provided warmth to these lands, advocates claim “Supposed to snow again this Thursday. We’ll see how you feel about those promises then.”

Local scientists have also noted the recent havoc wreaked upon other living creatures. Everyday spring robins could be seen last week dazed and confused searching profusely for the green grass to which they are so accustomed during these warming months. Piggy Ragton, an ornithology specialist, spoke to the robins and translates their reaction to Mother Nature’s frivolous disregard for others.

“It’s important to understand that robins are kind, domestic creatures. But when faced with changing environments, they can lose all control. One robin I spoke to said, ‘Ahhhhh! Where’s the fu*cking grass?!’ and hopped about the sidewalk, evading the onslaught of passersby,” Ragton stated, while nursing a paralyzed robin with warm milk and a snuggie.

Looking ahead many people are hopeful and comfortable with how the remainder of spring is going to unfold, but officials are reminding people that Mother Nature is indeed still in a fragile state and is likely to relapse at any given moment.