The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but the translated manuscript of the Pope’s resignation speech. He loves Wreck-It Ralph.

Friday, Feb. 15

Chili Cook-off & Beer Tasting: Interpretive Center 5 p.m.

I didn’t know St. Peter was getting a NASCAR event!

I Am We Are Presents: The Sex Show!: Alumni Hall 7 p.m.

The religious folk thinking they are going to The Sects Show are in for a nude awakening.

Weekend Movie: Wreck-It Ralph: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

The producers still weep at night knowing this isn’t a Pixar film.

Saturday, Feb. 16

Owls of Minnesota: Interpretive Center 10 a.m.

Not to be confused with Awls of Minnesota, the annual cobbler’s convention.

The Gustavus Wind Orchestra Home Concert: Bjorling Recital Hall 1:30 p.m.

They are unbeatable at home this year.

The Gustavus Choir 2013 Home Concert: Lund 224 7:30 p.m.

After this, the orchestra returns for a duel to determine musical dominance on campus.

Weekend Movie: Wreck-It Ralph: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.

It brings me much Glee to find Jane Lynch in something good.

Sunday, Feb. 17

Weekend Movie: Wreck-It Ralph: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.

Cartoons are meant for Saturday mornings . . . blasphemers.

Monday, Feb. 18

Frost Week: Window Painting: Evelyn Young Dining Room 6 p.m.

The Painting Club is looking to rebound after years of disappointments in this venue.

Tuesday, Feb. 19

Weekly Meditation: Interfaith Space 7 p.m.

Bring a friend! Put the“bud”in Buddhism.

Wednesday, Feb. 20

Involvement Fair: Banquet Rooms 4:30 p.m.

For weeks, Gusties will be most involved with deleting emails from badgering groups.

Shevy Smith Show: Courtyard Café 7 p.m.

Other misspelled car company performances by Phord Phillips and Krysler Kellogg!

Thursday, Feb. 21

New Faculty Orientation Session: President’s Dining Room 12:30 p.m.

Did they just forget to take this off of the calendar?

The Government Inspector: Anderson Theatre 8 p.m.

Everyone will be“Russian” to see this play!

Feit-sty Horoscope

Aries: You aren’t the only one experiencing the J-Term hangover.

Taurus: No matter what I write, no joke is bigger than the Grammys.

Gemini: Finding out Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? actually originated in the United Kingdom will devastate you for weeks.

Cancer: Alone on Valentine’s Day? Get used to it.

Leo: Zero Dark Thirty’s ending was the biggest shocker since Lincoln’s.

Virgo: GustieLeaks unfortunately won’t take complaints of leaky faucets in your dorm room.

Libra: Sarah McLachlan’s commercial has ruined more people’s lives than the number of dogs it has saved.

Scorpio: Props for having a bad@#$ sign of the Zodiac.

Sagittarius: They need to change the papal voting process to the Survivor-style voting. Put this s@#$ on primetime.

Capricorn: I keep hoping and expecting Ohle to strut into the Caf with some music blaring like some WWE wrestler.

Aquarius: Another Ohle-Villain scenario: He shows everyone his paycheck, yelling, “Scoreboard!”

Pisces: So Space Jam isn’t based on a true story?