The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the personal notes of President Ohle. Looks like all these people aren’t going to bring him down!
Friday, Jan. 18
Cardio Mixx: Lund 224 6:15 a.m.
The best joke on this page is an event starting at 6:15 a.m. during J-Term.
Weekend Movie: Here Comes the Boom: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
What gets beaten up worse: Kevin James’s character in the movie or this movie by critics?
Saturday, Jan. 19
Weekend Movie: Here Comes the Boom: Wallenberg Auditorium 8 p.m.
But for real, Kevin James was totally snubbed by the Academy Awards.
Sunday, Jan. 20
Weekend Movie: Here Comes the Boom: Wallenberg Auditorium 2 p.m.
The title just references the number of times the microphone boom was accidentally on screen.
Monday, Jan. 21
Yoga with Kelly: Lund 224 5 p.m.
How many of these exercise classes survive the winter?
J-Term Yoga Class: The Dive 7 p.m.
Looks like Kelly has some competition!
Pinterest Parties: Scarves, Bracelets & Handwarmers: Courtyard Café 7 p.m.
The craft bank is charging 3.45 percent Pinterest on loans.
Tuesday, Jan. 22
Teachers Talking: Banquet Room B 11:30 a.m.
IT’S J-TERM. THE ONE MONTH WHEN THIS SHOULD NOT HAPPEN.
J-Term Sampler: Grief Healing: Linner Lounge 2:30 p.m.
Or as Charlie Brown calls it, “Good Grief.”
Wednesday, Jan. 23
Bootcamp with Brenda: Lund 224 12 p.m.
I am just loving the number of personable fitness classes!
January Reading Group: Drive: The Surprising Truth About What Motivates Us: Faculty Staff Lounge 3:30 p.m.
This goes against everything J-Term stands for.
J-Term Kick-Boxing and More Class: Alumni Hall North 7 p.m.
Just a class where you put trendy shoes in boxes.
Thursday, Jan. 24
Step Aerobics: Lund 224 12:40 p.m.
I was really hoping it was going to be the Russian themed “Steppe” Aerobics.
Illusionist: Jared Sherlock: Alumni Hall 9 p.m.
Not to be confused with the Allusionist of the same name whose performances are best known for their expansive pop- culture references.
Feit-sty Horoscope
Aries: Your broomball skills are no match for the parking lots of Gustavus.
Taurus: The fanbase of Reading Rainbow is stronger than any army.
Gemini: Amid allegations of horsemeat being in hamburgers, restaurants have changed one name of a common entrée to the “Filly Cheese Steak.”
Cancer: The NRA is the ultimate troll.
Leo: Your New Year’s resolution to fail on your resolutions is going well.
Virgo: Don’t tell your friends that you didn’t watch Boy Meets World. You’ll never make it out alive.
Libra: Your pitch for the mind-bending sitcom Postmodern Family is just ahead of its time.
Scorpio: I bet Sports Illustrated regrets putting Lance Armstrong on the cover so much.
Sagittarius: You’ll eventually get over your rage of Twilight getting snubbed once again by the Oscars.
Capricorn: The brevity of J-Term was the true inspiration of Robert Frost’s“Nothing Gold Can Stay.” That’s right, read the calendar section, get an educational lesson of a lifetime.
Aquarius: Perhaps the most controversial part of Django Unchained is that it will lead to legions of men growing extravagant beards.
Pisces: The library during J-Term is like MySpace.