The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but rather the incoherent utterances of Donald Trump.

Friday, Nov. 2

LineUs Show: Alumni Hall 6:30 p.m.

LineUs in Alumni? The Dive just got a little less sexy.

Drag Show! – Coming Out Week: Evelyn Young Dining Room 7:30 p.m.

Not to be confused with the Agricultural Club’s Tractor Drag Show.

Weekend Movie: The Bourne Legacy: Wallenburg Auditorium 8:00 p.m.

For how bad this movie was, I don’t think Bourne even gets a legacy anymore.

Saturday, Nov. 3

Language Learning & Technology Conference: First Floor Confer/Vickner 8:00 a.m. & 6:00 p.m.

I don’t care what kind of computers you have; I’ve taken enough semesters of Spanish to know that you cannot learn a language in ten hours. You just can’t.

Weekend Movie: The Bourne Legacy: Wallenburg Auditorium 8:00 p.m.

Next, Jeremy Renner will be playing a janitor at MIT doing really hard math equations and talking in a Boston accent with Ben Affleck.

Sunday, Nov. 4

Weekend Movie: The Bourne Legacy: Wallenburg Auditorium 2:00 p.m.

More like Bored Legacy. Am I right? Am I right?! Up top, bro.

Monday, Nov. 5

Rice Culture in East Asia: Culpeper Language Center 2:30 p.m.

As with a lot of rice, this is going to be wild.

The Gustavus Honor Band Festival Concert: Christ Chapel 7:00 p.m.

“Honor? F@#$ honor,” the rebel flautist said as he took a long drag of his cigarette.

Tuesday, Nov. 6

Information Session: Minnesota Private College Job and Internship Fair: Library AV 1 2:30 p.m.

Fair? This is capitalism. There is no fair, sweetheart.

Wednesday, Nov. 7

“Researching Migration, Minorities, and the Pan- Swedish Movement in the Baltic Sea Region:” Beck Hall 301 6:30 p.m.

Get your popcorn ready for this one, ladies and gents.

Small CAB Concert with Student Cameron Nelson: Courtyard Café 7:00 p.m.

And by small concert, they mean three minutes tops.

Thursday, Nov. 8

Job Interview Techniques: Culpeper Language Center 5:00 p.m.

Seduction. It’ll get you the job every time.

Feit-sty Horoscope

Aries: Registration is like the Hunger Games of Gustavus.

Taurus: When were we supposed to celebrate Halloween?

Gemini: Don’t drink the coffee in the Caf Wednesday. You’ll thank me later.

Cancer: Despite your preconceived notions, nutritionists all agree Carrot Top is the healthiest comedian to watch perform.

Leo: Michelangelo’s mom looked really dumb after all of those years telling him not to draw on the walls of the house.

Virgo: If they keep making Star Wars sequels, they are going to take place in the present, and that’s boring because I’m pretty sure we’ve gone backwards technologically.

Libra: Justin Timberlake retiring from making music is going to haunt you longer than it should.

Scorpio: VOTE YES! . . . for more holiday themed frost-your-owns in the Caf.

Sagittarius: You forgot that the king and queen visited already, didn’t you?

Capricorn: Got an ultra-conservative family member you want to get rid of? Send them this edition of The Weekly.

Aquarius: What does Michael Phelps do during the three years and eleven months when nobody gives a s@#$ about him?

Pisces: Win or lose, Mitt Romney’s dad is still taking him out for ice cream afterwards.