To quote Jacobim Mugatu from Zoolander, “I feel like I’m taking crazy pills.” This just about sums up my life after viewing Rock of Ages. I think, also, that my respect for humanity dies a little bit each time I see Tom Cruise in something new. And I thought he could degrade himself no further.

This musical tells the story of a real-life “small town” Southern girl Sherrie (Julianne Hough) from Tulsa, Oklahoma who meets Drew (Diego Boneta) in the big city of Los Angeles. Love ensues within eighty seconds of meeting and the only way to express their ecstasy (and sorrows, eventually) is through the rendition (and possibly lip-synced?) 80s classic rock and roll songs.

Also in tow with these lovebirds is Alec Baldwin, the owner of the rock and roll joint, Bourbon; then there’s Russell Brand, a musician of some sort and good “friend” of Baldwin; and finally we meet Tom Cruise who plays Stacee Jaxx, the critically acclaimed Rock God complete with a monkey pal named Heyman. As any divine Rock God would, Jaxx seduces any and all women in sight, including a Rolling Stones reporter who goes on to shame him in her article.

All right so Drew gets really mad at Sherrie, and he’s all “You’re sleeping with Stacee Jaxx!” which totally isn’t true, but Stacee Jaxx actually totally wants in Sherrie’s pants. So Sherrie leaves Drew—yes, even after they have such a romantic montage of very cute kisses and cuddling and being in love. Oh my God, I know. Far more entertaining, however, is the growing chemistry between Alec Baldwin and Russell Brand as they sing duets and gaze into each other’s eyes.

So naturally, she becomes a stripper, he joins a boy band—it’s an age-old story. And I can’t seem to stand one bit of it, except the Baldwin/Brand romance. You know the ending of the story before you’ve gotten through the credits and opening song, which also, by the way, foreshadows every song Sherrie will sing as nasally and deserving of fast-forward.

All the while Tom Cruise is rocking onstage, and everyone else is basking in an orgy of drugs and oral sex, the mayor of LA (Bryan Cranston) and his wife (Catherine Zeta Jones) are doing all they can to run the club Bourbon into the ground due to sexual evils they are portraying. “Sex is bad!” Says Zeta Jones. But even she and her “church ladies” indulge in emotional expression through 80s rock and roll. And lo! The sex overflows from their church-going hips a-shaking.

So, I ask, why would anyone watch such a film? To pass the time, I suppose. Weekends bring with them hours and hours of time. Time with which we have so few things to do! So, I guess it’s better than sitting on your futon with a Capri Sun in hand and the wall as your oyster. Go see it if you so please! The music choices are pretty good and remind you of listening to 92.5 KQRS in your best friend’s car down at the lake. But don’t bring hopes with you. I reluctantly relieve myself of one star out of five.