* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but are in fact a list of all the things you really ought to do in your four years at Gustavus. Like build a fort in the arb, sacrifice a goat, open a bazaar in the campus center and trick-or-treat at Ohle’s.

Friday, May 11

Free Vinyl Records: Lund Music Library 10:00 p.m.

It’s okay, hipsters. You can use The Weekly to wipe yourself off.

Gustavus Women In Leadership Luncheon: Banquet Rooms 5:00 p.m.

… Wait … then who’s making the lunch?

(See column by the Shady Character before we go getting upset.)

The Movers Walking Club: Lund Center Information Desk 12:40 p.m.

My group will be carrying everything on their backs. We will also speak only Yiddish. Come join the Movers Altsding Club.

Yup. Busted into Yiddish for a parting shot.

Mason Woods Dedication: Three Crowns Room 4:00 p.m.

I take it someone gave the college a bunch of money and now they’re getting their name attached to some trees that we already had?

Tell me, is our administration also selling property deeds to stars?

Earth Jam Revolution: Eckman Mall 4:30 p.m.

These people waste more Facebook notifications than Americans waste … anything. All put together. For a billion years.

Saturday, May 12

The Gustavus Symphony Orchestra in Concert: Bjorling Recital Hall 1:30 p.m.

Yes, yes, “In Concert” may sound sort of unoriginal, but we’ve tried them in a lot of other things. In jam, in water, in lava and trust me, “concert” is the only one that works.

The Lucia Singers & St. Ansgar’s Chorus in Concert: Christ Chapel 7:30 p.m.

Actually, St. Ansgar’s does pretty well in butter.

Sunday, May 13

Brassworks!: Bjorling Recital Hall 3:30 p.m.

In honor of my last issue, I’m gonna bring back my favorite joke from my first year doing this.

“Brassworks!” … cried the excited Mesopotamian sword maker.

Monday, May 14

Free Vinyl Records: Lund Music Library 10:00 a.m.

By the second day they’ll all be sticky and smell like American Spirits and PBR.

Peer Career Advisors Office Hours: Center for Servant Leadership 5:00 p.m.

There will be free soup for philosophy and English majors. Not because we like them better. It’s so they get used to accepting free soup.

Tuesday, May 15

Free Vinyl Records: Lund Music Library 10:00 a.m.

And by the third day the hipsters have taken everything good, leaving only the stuff you’ve never heard of before … and so the cycle begins again.

Annual George Hall Lecture: President’s Dining Room 6:30 p.m.

I don’t know who George Hall is, but I wish they had named a dorm after him.

“George Hall Hall.”

Chloe Radcliffe’s Senior Performance Showcase: Wallenberg Auditorium 8:30 p.m.

Don’t worry. I suspect they’ll still be using her picture for everything for the next 15 years.

Wednesday, May 16

Free Vinyl Records: Lund Music Library 10:00 p.m.

Of course, now that I’ve mentioned it four times it’s probably too mainstream.

Thursday, May 17

Last LineUs Show of the Year: The Dive 8:00 p.m.

Really, when you think about it, your time at Gustavus isn’t measured in the grades you got or the honors you won, but the number of times LineUs took your suggestion.

 

Shady Horoscope

Aries: Don’t worry seniors. You won’t be hitting a new low. I mean, you’ve been to your parent’s basement before.

Taurus: Lovers, this is a good time to assess where your relationship is. Like, if it’s in an alley, that’s a bad sign.

Gemini: Seniors, now that you don’t have homework to give you a sense of purpose try to back off your caffeine addiction. Red Bull and ennui don’t mix.

Cancer: Don’t worry about student loans. Debtor’s prison is not that bad.

Leo: Seniors, if you can’t land an apartment, I hear Jack Ohle will let you crash on his couch.

Virgo: Plus side: Making up new identities is a fun group activity.

Libra: I predict Gustavus will hit you up for more cash before you leave.

Scorpio: You need happiness in your life. Or drugs. F&ck it. The stars don’t care.

Sagittarius: Mother’sDayiscomingup.You’ll be getting a card.

Capricorn: Seniors, I know you’re excited about getting into grad school, but maybe steer clear of “Dave’s Speedy Grad.”

Aquarius: Have you seen the Avengers yet? That sh*t’s good.

Pisces: Well. Here it is. The last joke of my Calendar career. Don’t want to waste it. I’ll need to think long and hard.

Hehe. Long and hard. Wait! No! Thats not —