* The Calendar Page is considered editorial. The opinions expressed herein are not the opinions of The GusTavian Weekly, but are in fact an exact and painstaking transcript of the backward section of Missy Elliot’s song “Work It.”

Friday, April 20

Day of Silence @ All Over All Day

“I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there’s something queer going on today.”

Relay For Life @ Lund Hockey Arena 6:00 p.m.

You see this? Relay for Life? Day of Silence? You see the minefields I walk through to entertain you?

Glass @ Patrick’s On Third 8:30 p.m.

Am I the first one to tell you about this story? Cool. In newspaper terms, that means I’m “breaking Glass.”

Drag Dive @ The Dive 11:00 p.m.

This kind of defeats the purpose of grinding.

Saturday, April 21

Celebrating 150 Years of FAITH at Gustavus @ All Over All Day

The Campus will be crawling with pastors from all over the country.  Again, the orgy is cancelled. CANCELLED!

Amidst Trees Exhibition @ Schaefer Gallery All Day

Otherwise known as streaking in the arb.

Student Leadership Day @ All Over All Day

High schoolers from around the state will be visiting our campus.  In other news, the campus wide orgy is cancelled.

The Tibetan Story @ Alumni Hall 6:00 p.m.

Free cookies, punch and Tibet! *

*I’m not sure about the cookies and punch.

Glass @ Patrick’s On Third 8:30 p.m.

Of course, if it’s really terrible the actors will be “blowing glass.”

Sunday, April 22

Residential Life Room Draw @ Alumni Hall 3:30 p.m.

Think of the first scene of The Hunger Games. Only instead of fighting to the death, you get the kid that showers at two in the morning.  Or you get put in Uhler … ‘cause that dorm is bulls&*t.

Glass @ Patrick’s On Third 8:30 p.m.

Like most shows conceived in Anderson Theatre, you will not be able to understand this one. However, it takes place in a bar … so it does not matter.

Monday, April 23

Italy Visa Session @ CICE 3:00 p.m.

Like most events, I’ll show up if there’s “ciao.”

Tuesday, April 24

Sesquicentennial Celebration – Madison @ Madison, WI (Psh. You don’t care. You ain’t goin’.)

Come and see Jack Ohle do outdated dances for money.

G.O.L.D. Course: What Does Your Personality Say About You? Beck Hall 101 @ 7:30 p.m.

“I refuse to be defined by my personality!” – Aaron Albani

Wednesday, April 25

Gustavus Wellbeing Fair @ Lund Center 2:30 p.m.

It’s like a normal fair, except it’s good for you, so it’s zero f*&king fun.

I Can’t Believe It Went So Fast Senior Dinner @ Heritage Banquet Room 6:00 p.m.

If I had a dinner for every time I heard that … I’d have had one dinner … in the alley behind an Arby’s. Crying.

Thursday, April 26

Annual Author Tea @ Courtyard Café 3:30 p.m.

F%*K YOU! Don’t tell me what to do! … oh. Author TEA … got ya.

“The Spirits of the North: Native and Borrowed Spirituality in the Russian Northlands” Confer Hall 127 @ 4:00 p.m.

Hey. For real. You reading this in the Caf? Go over to that bulletin board by the dish line. There’s a map of Russia on it that has a bunch of different ethnicities within Russia. Look at the one for “Jew.”

Let the folksy racism of the 1970s wash over you.

Shady Horoscope

Aries: The planets are completely unaligned this week. Neptune hasn’t been the same since Pluto left.

Taurus: Run over by a Taurus.

Gemini: As you all know, it’s scorpion season. Tuck your pantlegs into your socks! Do it n—

Cancer: Crying at the sight of the sunrise is okay sometimes, but if you keep chancing it and looking at the sun whenever you damn please you’ll go blind, you fool.

Leo: Fun fact: stars and planets don’t have any actual bearing on the future or your character.

Virgo: Gustie Friday be poppin’ this week.

Libra: If the Vikings leave Minnesota, I’m blaming you.

Scorpio: I can’t believe you missed Gavin DeGraw. That was your last chance of maybe being on Dancing with the Stars. Good luck sleeping with that evil put on you.

Sagittarius: You yield to no one. Probably because four-way stop signs are all around Saint Peter, so yielding is not enough to be a law abiding, safe driver.

Capricorn: Hey! Your room in Southwest is on fire! (As I slyly take it after the Room Draw f@#cked me over.)

Aquarius: It smells like sects in here. Have you been praying?

Pisces: Is it too soon for Titanic jokes? I sink it is…

This Shady Horoscope brought to you by: Justin Feit Future Calendar Editor and Horse Breaker