Has everyone seen the swimmers’ new t-shirts? They’re making quite a splash, primarily in the pool of intra-clique relations. There are clear social divisions on campus. The bros reign over the corner television, i.e. Broville.  The sororities and fraternities secrete themselves away in their houses. The swimmers and cross-country runners are infamous for their exclusivity.  And as in the larger society, the ostracized independents are relegated to the margins. Crossing these social boundaries is unthinkable and may even result in strange looks and whispers. Imagine the theatre kids shooting the breeze with the Reds. There are unwritten rules governing the social hierarchy of who can socialize with whom. Oh wait, now they are actually written. Thanks to the swimmers’ t-shirts that endorse this class system: “You can’t sit with us.”

But hold on a second. Maybe this premeditated seating chart is actually a good thing. Class systems should be encouraged everywhere because they let you know where you stand. Incoming first-years should be given an in-depth tour of the Caf and not the res halls, because that’s what really matters in life: social standing. We should also be issued some sort of badge or insignia. I know, armbands! That way people won’t have to guess which social group someone belongs to, because it will be a clearly marked aspect of our attire.

Yet, think of how we already distinguish ourselves from each other. Are Uggs and Northface really symbols of freedom of expression? Or are they just another way that people draw lines in the sand to separate us from them? Maybe there should be a questionnaire that people fill out to be placed into the proper clique.

Why stop there? Another thing that needs to change is the “representation flags.” You know, those flags in the Caf that are supposed to represent all the different nationalities of students. They are inhibiting this new social order in several ways. First, there are not flags for every nationality (has anyone seen a Cuban flag? We have at least one Cuban student and she deserves her own flag, goddamnit), and second, each clique should have their own flag; this would be a better representation of how the student body define themselves, anyway.

There should also be individual dorms to keep the cliques segregated, to avoid any awkward situation that would result with living next to people from other cliques. Next we probably should get rid of the Diversity Center, seeing as how it encourages “diversity.” Frankly, there isn’t enough space for such a thing anymore. Who wants to associate with people who are different anyway …

On second thought, the one communal college needs to change as well. Why segregate the campus when each clique could have its own? This would eliminate any sort of fraternizing between groups of students while bolstering self-esteem levels because no one would be told they were not good enough to sit with anyone else.

Who needs unwritten rules when you can actually write them down, color code them and make the student body obey them? This way, everyone would have a place to sit. And really, that’s what’s most important. Isn’t it?