Warning: Both idle and intentional double entendres abound.

Absurdity is the foundation of humor, which is probably why we find sex so consistently funny. If you took away the desire and pleasure components of the sexual endeavor, I think we would all have a great deal of trouble not laughing whenever it comes up. I guess you would also have to remove our psychological investment and ego too, because whenever someone starts laughing hysterically before, during or after sex, their partner seems to unaccountably take great offense rather than simply accepting that they may be experiencing a profound epiphany on the absurd nature of life.

I have long found it ironic that religiously conservative folk try to turn sex into the passionless and pragmatic enterprise of pure procreation. I mean, who hasn’t heard that same tired and unenlightening argument that gay or protected sex is unnatural because it doesn’t create children? Lame. I mean 90 percent of what western religion, or even, I am sad to say, western philosophy, tries to do is establish an arrogant and idiotic level of distance between us and the animal kingdom. And yet in this one aspect they choose to cling to the pure procreation tools of the animal kingdom, and similarly ironically, the forces that drive natural selection and evolution. Since their self-stated goal is to give meaning and purpose to humanity beyond what is evident, you’d think they wouldn’t have resisted the opportunity to turn sex into something more than some jackass breeding program.

As for the gays, all I have to say is: you lucky people. Society can be a major pain in the ass for you, I mean really, really bad. But it’s probably because the straight world is jealous. After all, you don’t need to figure out all of the insane nuances of the other gender (for both men and women). I mean, you can if you want (and sometimes it seems like you do a better job), but you don’t have to. It seems like you could pretty much just think to yourself, “What do I like?” and go from there. Sure, there’s the whole personal compatibility issue but sh*t, everyone has to deal with that. Hell, this is probably just another timeless example of the arrogance and confidence of the ignorant, maybe you folks are just as f***ed as us.

As for the actual mechanism of heterosexual sex, all I am going to say is leave it up to the ladies. Sex for men is simple and frankly mindless, it takes about two brain cells for a male to figure out how to get himself off and maybe one more to know how to do it inside of someone else. As a man, your focus, beyond figuring out the anatomy of the fairer sex, should pretty generally be a meditative one: trying to cultivate the self-control that we often oh so hilariously lack. Of course this is nothing new, but hell, I’ll say it anyway.

Generally speaking, I like to say that everything that happens is natural, if it weren’t it wouldn’t crop up so much. People may use this as an argument against absurdity and calling things like sex absurd, but they’re wrong. Absurdity is created not by unnaturalness, but when we have two current modes of existence that contrast sharply with each other. When confronted by this we often like to pick one and say the other is “unnatural” because we believe that two such conflicting entities “shouldn’t” exist (please note the sarcasm quotes).  So dumb.  What an affront to the bizarre chaos and diversity of life.

When we have, on the one hand, the pretension, pomp and affected ease of our daily social and romantic interactions and on the other, the vigorous abandon of sex, it’s pretty hard to not see some kind of absurdity. It’s also pointless to deny that either such mode exists.

I will finish by self-indulgently saying that sex can be a natural, zesty enterprise … so stop f***ing it up (this being addressed to various incarnations of psychology, society, religion and philosophy).