Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-Woody Allen

Geez! You scared me. No, I can talk. I was just in the middle of something. I was doing nothing. It’s okay, I’ll finish later. Yeah, nothing. I’ve still got some to get through by dinnertime. See, it’s on my planner.

I’ve always tried to allow some time for it, but now I’ve realized it should be a priority. I do it right here. On this futon. Usually facing toward the TV.

Sometimes the TV is on, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes I put music on. Sometimes not. Sometimes I shut my eyes. Sometimes not. No, I haven’t gone Buddhist. I didn’t say I was doing meditation; I said I was doing nothing. The difference is doing nothing is actually useful.

Usually I’m thinking about something when I’m doing it, so I suppose it’s not technically doing nothing. But I try not to focus on any one thing. I just let my brain poke around for a bit. This isn’t napping either. Napping is something. I’m talking about nothing.

Sometimes I play a video game or watch a movie while I’m doing nothing. That’s what I was doing when you came in. Remember when you called me? I told you I was doing nothing. It’s okay though, now you know that means I’m busy. Busy doing nothing. Some people don’t take doing nothing seriously, but I do.

Some people don’t even understand. They think if you’re doing nothing there must be something wrong with you. They call you up and say, “Hey, what you up to?” and when you say, “Nothing” they say, “Well what’s the matter with you? Let’s do something!” Not saying that’s what you did, but you know what I mean.

I never got how people could be so desperate as to avoid doing nothing. I blame it on our meritocracy. You’re never supposed to stand still. You’re always supposed to be accomplishing something or in the process of accomplishing something, and if that doesn’t happen you’re supposed to lie back in your armchair after dinner and say “Well that was a waste of a day.”

Waste of a day. What a terrible phrase. It means however happy you were during the course of your day, it doesn’t mean anything if you didn’t force yourself to do something you didn’t want to. How does that make sense?

People think if they just keep themselves busy it’ll pay off eventually and they’ll be happier than someone who knows how to relax. Well let me tell you something. Happiness isn’t something you need to work for. It’s something you find. And you can find it while doing nothing.

We all need to be more serious about doing nothing. Doing nothing isn’t just something you do when you can’t think of anything else. It should be done with intention. It’s not nothing, it’s nothingness. You need to immerse yourself in a state of nothingness. So yeah, it’s kind of Buddhist. The Zen of doing nothing. Maybe that means you check out YouTube for a bit. Maybe that means you lie on your back and count cracks in the ceiling. All are equally valid paths to a state of doing nothing.

I can see you’re not buying my philosophy. I understand, it’s a lot to grasp. You need to release yourself from the Western work ethic. You can still do important things, but once you realize the importance of experiencing nothingness, those things will take on a whole new meaning. Once you decide to include doing nothing in your daily routine, you’ll find yourself ready to engage in more socially acceptable activities. And then you will be enlightened. And then everything you do will have meaning and intention. And then you will know Zen. And then you will know nothingness. And then you will be enlightened.

I swear I’m not going Buddhist.